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I wish sexuality and gender were easier to understand


Lauren or Tom    

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So for months, I've been questioning my sexuality and gender.

I'm pretty sure I'm trans (FTM) but I talked to the council at school and they said that I have to make the desition (i can't spell) myself but I dont understand on how to say yes to myself and say 'yes, im trans'.

For a month I've been going by my somewhat chosen name, Thomas/Tom, (in my head cause I talk to myself) and I've never been happier but I have trouble asking people to call me Thomas/Tom. I what to ask my best friend to start calling me, Tom, (she prefers Tom) but I don't know how (there's a lot I don't know how) to ask her.

But then here comes sexuality. I have no sex or romantic drive but I feel like it should be there because I have never been in a relationship before. There's a trans boy at school who I like and I get all giddy when I think about him. There's also a boy and girl in my class who act like their together and I'm jealous of their relationship. Whenever I think of my own sexuality I feel so hollow and I wish it was more simple but it's not in my head.

 

Thanks,

​​​​​​​Tom

 

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  • Ditch the Label Staff

@Lauren or Tom Hi there Tom and thanks for sharing this question. It is completely normal and natural to explore your identity, your gender and/or your sexuality. It feels a bit unfair with being told you 'have' to make a decision as truthfully there is no rush - of course some people just know but equally many people question for a long time. You shouldn't feel under pressure to make a major/final decision as you absolutely deserve the time and space to process and to explore.

 

For example, you're right and you may be trans or it could be that you are non binary which put very simply means you can identify as either/or/both/neither male and female. Many people are very fluid in how they identify so don't rush to make a final decision.

 

I like your idea of telling one person at a time so if you feel like your friend is the one then take some time to explain to her (awesome tips here: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/8-tips-for-coming-out-as-trans/) It might reduce the pressure and make it seem all a little bit like steps along the way forward.

 

How does this sound to start?

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I had a fucking meltdown yesterday. I've been bottling my emotions down for a while now because I don't want to look vulnerable so I don't get bullied again. It was mothers day and my dad's mum called (she knows about my thoughts about transgender) and she asked me how I was doing mentally. I haven't told anyone how I feel because I'm so emotionally trapped in my head and I just told her that I wish that I was ok but I'm not. Things have been going mental in my head about my gender and sexuality. I'm trying to come to a conclusion about being asexual and I'm afraid to be myself. I've been wanting to cry for a while and yesterday after the call I started sobbing so I went to feed my animals so I could cry on my own, I seem to be able to cry on my own, and I cried. Tears just came until my sister came down to do her jobs so I had to hide the fact that I was crying. I kept my back to her while I tried to calm myself down. So I went inside and rinsed my face.

It wasn't fun yesterday as I basically ruined mothers day because I asked my mum for my phone and somehow it turned to the topic of my schoolwork and my dad got involved so my parents started arguing. I felt so guilty of hearing them argue when it was mothers day.

 

Tom

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And do you have any tips for getting more confident with talking to new people? I struggle to walk up to new people and try and have a conversation but I'm way too shy

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and not have the need to look away from someone because you feel intimidated by them. The trans boy that I like, I keep feeling the need to look down. Maybe its because he's popular or I just have really bad issues

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Hi Tom,

 

This sounds tough and I'm sorry you had to go through this. We cannot control when we feel emotions and they shouldn't be something you have to hide your feelings are valid and crying is healthy and good for you. Try not to feel guilty about it being mothers day, you are human and we cannot always schedule when we feel emotions.

 

As for some tips on talking to mew people - try to ask them questions about themselves and really be interested in what they are saying - you could even pay them a compliment. Could you think of a compliment that would be a good conversation with the boy to start you two talking?

 

-Remi

 

 

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I talked to the trans boy... only because I broke down. He hugged me and he said that he'd bring some old guy clothes for me. I'm worried that I don't have dysphoria and I made a big deal out everything. I do feel like shit about my chest but the dysphoria isn't bad yet. I recently discovered how awesome hoodies are for chests.

Anyway, I was talking with my friend about my thoughts and I cried. I'm struggling to accept my new name for myself, whenever people ask me what my name is I want to tell them my chosen name but I tell them my birth name. I mentally kick myself for not saying my chosen name. I find it so much easier to write down my chosen name then say it out loud.

 

Tom

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Hey there Tom,

 

How did it feel to talk to the boy? I know you have wanted to talk to him for a while so it must have felt good that he listened to you and respected what you were going through.

 

Please try to not beat yourself up for not feeling confident about Tom yet. You are allowed to be unsure, everyone that has ever transitioned has gone through a similar thought process to you. and whether you are Tom or Lauren you are still you and you are incredibly special and worthy of love so try and be kind to yourself. If you find it easier to just write it down right now then when it's time you will feel confident speaking it out loud. Why don't you try recording yourself on your phone saying - 'Hello my name is Tom" ans see how that feels.

 

-Remi

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  • 2 weeks later...

is it possible to have no sexual orientation? at times i feel like i have no interest in people in that way. I have never had sex before (im 16) because i havent been in a relationship ever.

 

Tom

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Hey Tom,

 

It's totally normal to have not had sex, or been in a relationship by age, I know a lot of people who are in their 20s and still haven't had a sexual relationship. There are people who don't ever have desires for a sexual relationship, some of these people identify as asexual, and some people that feel they can have romantic feelings for people but not sexual feelings and some people that feel this identidy as a-romantic.

 

-Remi

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