Do my friends hate me?

[tokentokki]

Hello, I am in my early 20's and I've struggled a bit with my best friends ever since 11th or 12th grade in high school. I love my friends to death and I would do anything for them. But it just seems like I'm always doing so much more for them than they are for me.

 

I genuinely do care about them and I don't always expect anything in return BUT it seems like whenever I want to hang out or need support, they're not always there for me. But when my other friends want to hangout, everyone else is suddenly available. It just seems so out of balance that it has made me distance from them quite a lot. I've stopped replying in conversations because of this and my depression, and they don't even check up on me. I've stopped talking about my problems and personal things because I feel that they dont care.

 

It just seems like every year from that year in high school things have gone downhill only for me.

 

Although I will say that I am not a perfect friend. I have said some things in a jokingly way but I have always come back to apologize fully and sincerely and talked about it to resolve it. But even with these small incidents, I've heard and experienced things that are even at the discriminatory level that have offended me and made me question my friendship with them. But they have never once come back to apologize to me.

 

I've started slightly changing who I am just to make them think I am more "like them", to feel more accepted. But then again I've always found myself more increasingly upset and disappointed that I've had to find new friends to talk to and hangout with.

 

I love my friends so much but I cant hold these expectations anymore that they will also be there for me. And if they cant be there for me or even support me, why am I still friends with them? It's so frustrating that I've had to keep telling myself to care less, and only rely on myself, but I care too much about these friends because we've gone through so much together.

 

I want to leave everything and be alone during times like this but I know it wont solve anything. I need help.

 

I dont think my friends love me anymore and it makes me so sad.

[Remi]

Hello there @tokentokki

 

From the sounds of it you are a very doting and kind friend and you could be proud of that.

 

I can really relate to what you've said, I'm a real empath and am usually the one giving out advice in support in my group of friends but often find it doesn't come back to me. What I realised was that it wasn't that my friends didn't care, it's just it wasn't in their capability to be able to connect at that level. This may be true for your friends too and they just may not be as emotionally intune or empathic as you.

 

You should never ever feel like you have to change for friends, there will be people that love you exactly the way you are. Your early 20s are such a transitionary time as you all start to leave the institutions that once flung you together. It's not uncommon to drift away from people at this age to make way for new friends that are more aligned with you.

 

I think it's worth having a conversation with your friends, and letting them know that you aren't feeling loved and explaining to them what your needs are as a friend to make you feel loved. Sometimes people just don't have the tools to understand HOW to love you and you have to let them know what you need. So whether it be more quality time, showing up more, a phonecall. let them know how to love you and see how they react.

 

Being a lone is fine, listen to your intuition, you are your best guide, and your best friend so you'll figure it out.

 

I hope some of this helps,

 

Remi

[Monsoon]

@tokentokki Hey there

 

Sorry to hear about what you've going through; Remi is right in saying that you should never feel like you have to change yourself to be friends with anyone. If a relationship is meant to be, then it will be. However, I don't think there's any harm in talking it out with them. As Remi said, it might not be a reflection of how they feel about it, but rather their ability to connect.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going with this issue?