Advice - Should we still be friends?

[mooseberry214]

About me. I'm:

•very trusting & quick to love. I have fear & abandonment issues because of decades of multiple abuses.

•an empath & a very sensitive & emotional person.

•non-confrontational & terrified of upsetting people, so I deal with people's crap & tend to get pushed aside. If I harbor any negative feelings about people, I'm too afraid to bring it up because it'll cause a conflict.

•too quick to forgive.

•always there to support & listen to problems. I never want anybody to feel the pain I've felt.

 

I have been friends with Cindy since 7th grade. We had a friend Jeanine, who lived near me. Jeanine & I remained friends until she moved back to Costa Rica, although she & I were pen pals, but Jeanine & Cindy stopped being friends. This is about Cindy, though. While I was in college, we rarely talked. But I have always been the person to reach out to try to keep up, which didn't work with her. After college, we liked each other's statuses on Facebook, but that was the extent of our friendship, even though I would send her messages every now & then to see how she was.

After a few years, she had gotten pregnant & I reached out to show support & congratulate her. When it came to planning the baby shower, I offered my assistance & helped set up the entire thing. It was like our friendship just resumed. It was so great to have Cindy as my friend again. I was her only friend that showed up. She became my best friend again & I felt as though I was hers, although she would introduce me as her friend. I don't think she ever called me her best friend. Even when Cindy's daughter Allie was born, I was her only friend that visited in the hospital. I visited a few times after that too, but I wasn't the only friend that visited. Her friend from third grade Hanna, also visited her once. A girl Cindy rarely talked to since Hanna moved away in high school. This was the only time they'd seen each other since 10th grade. About 3 years after we graduated high school, Hanna got pregnant & married the kid's father (I think his name was Pierre?). She had a wedding that she didn't invite Cindy to.

When I came to visit Cindy & Allie, Cindy told me that she'd be making Hanna the Allie's godmother because if something were to happen to Cindy, Allie would have a big sister. In fact, Cindy never met Hanna's husband nor daughter, & Hanna had only met Allie & not Cindy's fiancé Cody, & didn't bring her daughter to meet Allie. But, I was just happy to have my best friend back & understood her reasoning. Also, Hanna was once my friend, but she was always jealous I was closer to Cindy when we became friends, & after she moved away, she decided to stop being my friend because I "stole" Cindy from her.

I attended every birthday party for Cindy, Cody, & Allie, but Hanna never showed & never even let Cindy know whether she was coming or not. Every invitation that was sent was never sent back, even though stamps were put on the response envelopes. I helped plan & set up every party. Their parents were often grateful for me, thanking me for being a good friend & supporter to both Cindy & Cody, & a good aunt to Allie. Cindy felt like a sister to me, especially since I was kinda an only child (I have 3 half-sisters & 1 half-brother, who are 20+ years older than me & are not involved in my life; my father has been married 3 times & stayed with my mother, even though she is an alcoholic & is 12 years younger than him). I often referred to Allie as my niece & she always called me "Aunt Stay" (my name is Stacey).

​​​​ Cindy & Cody had a long engagement, being engaged for 3 1/2 years at this point (Allie was now 3), before they decided to "get engaged again," as he put it. Cindy texted me a few days after & asked to meet at our favorite Thai restaurant that evening &, even though I was busy, I made sure to make time. I'm not good at saying no or letting people down, so I had my prior plan & dinner with Cindy. I was excited because I was pretty sure I knew what this dinner was about!

When we had dinner, we talked & talked for hours, telling me all her plans & how I had to help her with so much! She then asked me to be a bridesmaid & I was so happy. I asked who all was in the wedding party & then she said that Hanna was her matron of honor. I felt sad, but tried to be happy for her, so I kept quiet. Was I wrong for feeling sad? At this point, she hadn't seen Hanna since Allie's christening 3 years ago. I was able to maintain my composure & asked how Hanna was doing, & she said, "I'm not sure, we don't talk a lot. She rarely responds to me." I started to feel like our best-friendship wasn't reciprocated.

On my way home that night, I cried & called my husband. I felt as though I was only a part of Cindy's life because I helped, listened to her problems, got her gifts for every event, & if I saw something I knew she or Allie would like, I would get it for them. I told him it seemed like she only called/texted when she was stressed & needed advice or to vent. I often felt I wasn't worth much in life, so I talked myself out of feeling resentment. My husband told me I was right in feeling this way, that he never liked Cindy & felt as though I was the ideal/perfect friend to her & that she was nothing like that to me. He pointed out to me she was rarely there for me, only texted/called when she needed to vent, never referred to me as her best friend, rarely gifted me (even on holidays), etc. When I arrived home, I cried into Frankie's arms. He then asked how our conversations normally went. I looked through my phone & told him that she'd call or text about a problem or something that stressed her out & I'd help, responding as soon as I could, giving support & advice, etc. Once that was resolved, I'd ask how she was, she'd tell me & not return the question, I'd try to bring up things I was going through & then her texts got short. Even though she was there to listen, she'd only type things like, "Same," "yeah," "Lol," an emoji, or she'd try to give a little bit of advice & as the conversation went on, she'd stop texting. That opened my eyes. He told me it wasn't a normal friendship & asked how it was when I texted her. I paused as I saw there were often times where she ignored my initial messages, no matter the topic.

​​​​​ The next day, she called & we talked about her problems & I pushed my feelings aside. That same day, I recieved a letter from Jeanine begging me not to go to Cindy's wedding because she wasn't invited, but I told her that I wanted to remain neutral, & I haven't recieved a letter since.

Over time, it was evident that Hanna cared only about the title of MOH & not about helping. She didn't help one bit with the planning, not even the bridal shower nor bachelorette party. I helped with everything, down to helping with Cindy's vows. I joked with Cody that I'd take over as matron of honor, which upset Cindy because she was Hanna's cheerleader. Hanna didn't show up to the bridal shower, but she did show up for the bachelorette because she wanted to "get drunk," & since I don't drink (because my mother is an alcoholic), she kept making fun of me & putting me down, but I don't stick up for myself & nobody else did, so I just took it. Cindy wanted to spend all of her time with me anyway, which upset Hanna more.

The next day was the wedding & everybody worked hard to put things together, except for Hanna, who sat on the floor in front of a fan. Everybody else was sweating. Cindy was stressed out & came to me for a hug, which made Hanna go crazy & insult me the rest of the day. Cindy said nothing & I just took it. To this day, Cindy chooses to not talk about it when I want to & Hanna is still invited to everything, even though she never shows.

Fast forward to now. Cindy hasn't seen Hanna for two years. When Cindy found out she was pregnant again, I was there for it all & she reached out about what she was going through. After her gender reveal, she rarely texted me. We went from talking everyday to never talking. I would text/call her, but my calls weren't answered & I rarely got a text back, then I'd see her posting on Facebook. It seemed like if you didn't interact with her on Facebook, you didn't exist. But when I tried interacting with her, I got nothing in response. I would tag her in a funny meme/post or make a post about how proud I was to be an aunt again (after I saw her & her parents post about it, of course), & I got nothing. If I posted about anything, she'd pay no attention & ignore it, but then I'd see her liking & commenting on all of our friends' posts. It would be that I texted her & then I'd see her commenting on a friend's post. My husband said that because I want to support everybody & not let them feel alone, I make myself too available, so I should not reach out first & that she'd come to me. 3 months went by & she never reached out. I texted to see how she was doing & it took her a week to respond, but only so she could send another text about what she needed. I haven't spoken to her in a month & I feel like I'm being cut out. My husband said that I need to stand my ground, stick up for myself & see that I deserve more. I decided to deactivate Facebook so I didn't think about it. My husband posted a picture of me & then she "loved" it. Right after that, my husband told me she sent an invite to the baby shower, but I can't help but feel like I'm going to see Hanna become godmother again & get kicked to the curb. I love being Cindy's friend, but I can't help but feel like I'm compromising so much. Please help! Thank you for reading this.

[Blondie]

Hey! Thanks for sharing and your post clearly highlights all of your concerns. From my perspective I have to say that I agree with your husband in that your friendship isn't reciprocated and it feels very one-sided. You have every right to have your friendship both appreciated and respected and to be treated equally.

I'm wondering if Cindy has fallen into the habit of venting to you and actually see the dynamic very differently, rather than just being intentionally clumsy with your feelings.

The thing with other people that can be tricky to navigate is we have zero control over their actions and behaviour but we CAN control our responses and reactions.

What is it that you love about the friendship? I wonder if you would be better served by letting this one naturally fade and start building connections with people who will reciprocate as you completely deserve.

[Monsoon]

Hey @mooseberry214

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I completely agree with your husband as does @Blondie . You're putting a lot of effort into your friendship with Cindy and you deserve to feel respected and valued in return. It sounds very one-sided and I can really see how upsetting and frustrating this is for you. I just wanted to check in with you and see if you have any thoughts about Blondie's advice? Also, it might be a good idea to speak to her about it again. I noticed that you said she called you to talk about your problems but that you put your feelings aside. What do you mean by this? I think it's important to let her know how this makes you feel.

 

Speak soon