a problem i have with my dad... (plus other things i had to get off my chest)

[sweetie]

Well, hi everyone. I'm back ​

Umm... I don't know where to start with so I hope I make much sense as possible. It didn't start today, but I was basically like triggered. My dad is OLD so he's quite traditional with things especially because of where/how he grew up.

So today my dad came with a trump bobblehead and he seemed pretty happy about that. He was saying a few things like how 'there was a Barack Obama one but he declined and took trump' and stuff like that saying 'trump's the one' or whatever. I was so pissed I didn't even listen to him. This is not the first time he has 'supported' trump... my siblings have told me once before that they heard him say a few things. I brushed it off before because I hadn't heard it myself so I simply did as if it wasn't true. Because I'm starting to feel like I am overreacting a bit, because I'm not that into politics at the moment(which I think is fine because I'm just 15), but I have heard and seen a lot of things that trump supporters do to people and stuff and how they aren't properly addressed so I also feel like I have the right to be reacting this way.

When that happened I tried to ignore it but my mind wouldn't let me of course. I had done that a lot in the past and now I have depression lol, so I feel like its a good thing that I cried about it but I also feel horrible because that led to a mental breakdown. and I haven't had one in a week or two(can't remember). One thing that kept on bothering was that I didn't think twice about cutting off the people that basically supported trump so now that it's my dad... I'm scared. Like I'm scared because I have never had a strong relationship even before all of this and it's not getting better now so. I think I know how to approach this but I also get comfort in speaking(typing) my mind especially when I really don't want to be judged.

My dad as I said before is very traditional and old, so he grew up having to read books 24/7 because that was believed to be the only way to succeed and therefore he is extremely hard on every one of my siblings, he has never physically beaten anyone(like punishment and no other reason) except my little brother when he was quite young but that was the first and last time, my mom on the other does it quite rarely, lats time was like 2 weeks ago lol wow. So anyways he basically hurts me with his words, like he doesn't directly say hurtful things but you can notice that he isn't like impressed. Which I think mentioning before on one of my posts on here was one of my struggles regarding my depression. So it was extremely hard to have been triggered and then another problem added to it.

Funny enough I sometimes wish my parents would divorce, but then I realised there are too many downsides to that so I'm trying to stop saying/thinking that. Recently during this quarantine, I had just noticed my parents don't really have the strongest relationship(but its totally their personal business, not mine, but I can't help it because it's starting to affect me and my siblings a lot). My siblings recently opened up to me about how they've been feeling and it put me to tears(it really does say something about our household), I told them they could reach to me, although I don't think my sisters own is that bad but I could never be so sure, my brother, on the other hand, has been showing signs that I've been picking up even before he opened up. I know he's going through something and I can't imagine how bad it might be but I do hope he can handle it before he decided to reach out(to anyone actually).

So yeah if I left anything thing out I'll probably mention it later, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read this!

[Mammu]

Hey @sweetie!

I can't offer you any advice since I don't have a similar experience, but what I can do, is say this: first off, I can relate to you in the sense that writing things out makes things easier. I also can relate to the thoughts you are having (even though for me these thoughts come to mind on different subjects) and I also feel guilty about them. That is the only thing I can offer you advice about:

Don't feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with your own thoughts. In my experience, these "what if" scenarios are actually healthy since it lets you live out your negative thoughts without hurting anybody. I think about very negative scenarios constantly and it's one way for me to let out the negative feelings that bottle up very often. Maybe try writing a book about them? Like, if you are thinking about your parents getting a divorce, then write about it. Make up some characters (like your family members), put them through a divorce, and write the book from your own perspective (if you understand what I mean). I lived a lot of so-called "negative thoughts" through in my books and it really helped.

Hope this helps!

[Monsoon]

Hey @sweetie

 

It's nice to hear from you again. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time with your family. I remember your posts from last time about how hard it can be in your family and the mental breakdowns that you have had. What kind of things are helping you with your mental health at the moment? I really admire your strength as you keep bouncing back. It is so hard when we have such difficult political beliefs to our family members. Do you think you might be able to change the way he feels about Trump?

 

Also, when you say your mother does it quite rarely and that the last time was two weeks ago, what do you mean by this? We want to make sure that you are safe at home and this is our main priority.

 

I hope to hear back from you soon.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Monsoon

[sweetie]

@Mammu

 

Thank you for replying and I appreciate the advice. I will actually try what you suggested, I planned on starting a youtube channel to express myself in some way, but these thoughts are way too personal. So that idea is great for me! Although I'm not a big fan of writing by hand, I'll still try and experiment with it or maybe try typing it on my computer/phone or just filming myself(but keeping as personal)

[sweetie]

@Monsoon

Thank you it's always a pleasure to be back here.

Well starting with the first question, I've been exercising more and sometimes my sister joins me so it really makes me happy, I've been looking forward to school ending soI can have more time with my drawings and learning new skills like ASL and Spanish. I asked my parents if I could get a few items and they agreed s0 I as well as my family have gifts to look forward too. I'm excited to get my phone back because I miss having my music by my side anytime I need it. So I've been gradually getting happier which I'm very excited about in general.

 

Now to the second question. Um I'm not really sure, before all of this I found it difficult to communicate with my dad, I even felt uncomfortable talking to him sometimes because it felt very unfamiliar to me. I always felt like there was something wrong with me just because I just didn't feel comfortable around him, but that was a few years back and I decided to get closer to him and a bit more comfortable than I was before. Although it doesn't change the fact that he is very hard to communicate with, my elder brother once tried to communicate with him but it ended up in a fight. Mostly everyone was pissed at my dad because we a; knew this was very common and we felt bad for my brother because he was 16 and had recently left highschool so he wanted to be in charge of his life. Anyways long story short my mom was able to sort things out between them. Funny enough my dad said a few days ago that he and my mom never really talk about things which are once again their personal business but it's been bothering me ever since. I'm very observant so since I was younger I realized my parents didn't really have the strongest relationship, but I divorcing is a sin(and my parents are very religious) so I might not be expecting anything to happen anytime soon.

 

I didn't want to mention the beating part but I did because its very common among black home so I didn't see it as a problem when I was typing. We just really pissed her off that day because we all did something wrong. Sincerely I deserved to be punished because I was being very inconsiderate, my mom told us a few days before that that she was struggling a bit with like parenting because she's a calm person but most African mothers like scream and stuff (so if your laid back you get judged and like 'called' a bad mother). I'm safe at home, I appreciate the concern, my mom apologised the day after and said she doesn't even like doing it. We also apologised and promised to stop stressing her so much.

 

Once again thank you for all the support and help everyone has been giving. I really appreciate this community!

[Monsoon]

Hey @sweetie

 

Thanks for replying . It's lovely to hear about all of the nice things you've been doing that make you happy. It's important to have things to look forward to, especially when we are having a hard time.

 

When you mention how uncomfortable it is talking to your dad, why do you think that might be? Do you think it's possibly something to do with him? Also, I am sorry to hear about the beating. Although you have mentioned that this is common among black homes, this doesn't mean that it is okay. Just because you stressed your mom out doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated like this. Your parents should not be doing this to you. Would you ever consider telling another adult about this e.g. a teacher at school perhaps?

[sweetie]

I don't know like I wasn't just familiar with him again. I was in boarding school and till this day he spends most of his time at work. Yes, that's true beating isn't right, my mom apologised and said she won't do it again. It's not the way but that's what they were thought and what has been going on for the past few years. I'm not defending it but parents can be that way sometimes. Speaking to an adult might not be the best thing because enough some horrible schools allow teachers to beat students. I've never experienced it but some people I know said their school did that to some students a few times. Not like my school does it but a few adults think it's a good thing, my mentality is 'spare the rod and spoil the child'. I'm in a new school so I really don't know which teacher might be the best idea if I did want to tell them about it.

[Monsoon]

Hey @sweetie

 

Thanks for getting back to me. I hope that the beating has come to an end now. We are here for you if this happens again. I think that it would be a good idea to maybe think of who you could tell. How are you feeling at the moment?