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Long-Term Relationship Gone Sour – Do I stay?

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    For the sake of anonymity, I have changed the names of my friends. I also took out the curse words to stay PG, but feel free to replace them with the appropriate curse for more accurate feels. Finally, I would also like to apologize for the length of this post.

    The current state of my friendship is… unclear. I recently reached out to my friend Nicole to gain some clarification on the status of our friendship. I’ve been feeling like Nicole no longer likes me, that she doesn’t respect me, and that she has no interest in maintaining our friendship.

    Nicole stopped talking to me about nine months ago, for no reason I can see. She’s polite when she notices me through a phone call with Megan (my roommate and mutual friend), but it’s nothing more than hello. I have no idea what’s going on in her life, unless I hear something from Megan, and she doesn’t ask about what’s going on in my life either. It’s been that the only time we talk is when I reach out to her first.

    The last several times we hung out, when I talked, her answers were short and uninterested, and were usually “I’m sorry”. Other times they were straight up nonexistent. When we made plans to meet up, we would, but not for long. It would be cut short by her needing to get to bed or needing to finish up some work. She won’t make time with me or for me, even though she makes time for other people, especially when those people are men. Now, this is something I’ve brought to her attention on more than one occasion. She agreed to be better about it and make an effort, but that never lasted. She always reverts back to her old ways. What’s worse is she makes me feel bad about it when I mention it again. Frankly, it has felt bad talking to her or being around her. She puts me down by making me feel like I’m sensitive, crazy, or stupid. It feels like she doesn’t care about my feelings, and that she doesn’t regret the way her behavior harms me.
    On more than one occasion she has told me how I’m too much effort, because I’m always asking her for her time. She forgot my birthday two years in a row and when I confronted her and told her how I felt, she told me that I shouldn’t get hung up on it like it’s a big deal because, and I quote, “it’s just the day I was pushed out of my mom’s vagina”. I’m sorry, but it’s my understanding that the general consensus is that birthdays are an important day to remember. It’s not like we had plans or anything, but I was expecting an acknowledgement of some kind. And this royally ticked me off because I have personally accompanied her on an expedition to create some fantastical birthday gift for a guy that she had been talking to for a few days and hadn’t actually met. She made a big deal about how they had to celebrate his birthday because it’s IMPORTANT, and she put in so much effort to make it special. (Excuse me, but are you friggin’ kidding me?!) To top it all off, we got into a big fight over it. In the end she decided she couldn’t deal with my drama and told me she would talk to me again in December, which was four months away. But I digress.

    So, her response to my inquiry is as follows: “Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I honestly thought you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I didn’t mean to make you feel angry and upset. I intend to put a lot of thought and effort into this. I love you very much. I always have and I always will. I want to make sure that I am able to give our relationship the thought and care that we deserve.”

    This is where I desperately need some advice! Nicole sounds sincere in what she’s saying, but her actions just don’t support it. I sent this inquiry with the intention of giving her an out, because everything she has said and done very clearly implies (to me, anyway) that she has no desire to be friends, and quite honestly, has zero respect for me. And this is after 15 years friendship! What am I missing here? I’m so ANGRY and UPSET over the way she’s treated me and I’m honestly tired of dealing with this junk. I’ve given her opportunities to adjust her behaviors and to talk about what needs to happen to keep us both happy, but it never works out. If she were anyone else, I would have dropped her without a second thought.

    So, do you think I should try to work this out with her? Should I flip her off and scream obscenities (which is honestly the most appealing option at the moment)? Or should I put an end to our relationship once and for all?

    I'm leaning towards dropping her and moving on, because she hasn't proved willing and/or able to change in the past. She's been really cruel, and it’s been so bad for my state of mind. I suffer from major depressive disorder, and it’s really taking a toll on me. I'm not sure she's worth it anymore.
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    Hello bompkins

    Welcome to our online support community. My name is Monsoon and I'm one of the digital support mentors here at Ditch the Label; I'm here to give advice and support to our members. We are here for you and you're not alone .

    I'm sorry to hear about what you've been experiencing with Nicole. We all deserve friends who treat our feelings with respect and stay true to their promises, especially when you communicate that you need things in the friendship to be different. It can be really bad for our state of mind when people are inconsistent in this way and don't treat us very well. I completely see why you are feeling the way you are - your feelings are valid. I just want to check, are you currently accessing support for your major depressive disorder? If not, we can help you with this.

    It sounds like you really care about the friendship, but that you're also fed up with it all which is totally understandable. I'm wondering, what do you think would be the right decision for you, and what is your gut telling you?

    Speak soon,
    -Monsoon

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        Hello Monsoon,

        Thank you for replying to my post. I’m grateful for your encouragement and kind words.

        To answer your first question, I have been attempting to treat my MDD through the help of a psychiatrist and therapist. Unfortunately, I have not found a person or treatment that effectively treats my MDD.

        Now, in response to your final two questions, I’m not sure what the right decision for me is but my gut is telling me to end it. As I mentioned, if this were anyone else, I would have dropped them by now. I hesitate because I don’t know if I’m too close to the situation or just too upset to really see what the best decision is. I thought an outsider’s opinion would help me to determine if this is the right thing to do or not.

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            Hello bompkins

            Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I'm sorry to hear that you have not yet found effective treatment for your MDD. I don't know how long you've had therapy for, but for many people, it can take a while for them to see the benefits. This can lead to a lot of frustration as people see therapy as an automatic 'fix', but it's quite a complex process.

            Also, through being a support mentor, I often find that when people are in difficult situations and are faced with a tricky choice, they often know what course of action they are going to take from the beginning, but it can take them time to actually do it for various reasons. Essentially, my point is that I think you may have already made up your mind about what you're going to do. I think that everyone knows what is best for them at most given times, and my opinion might not actually be important at this point. What do you think?

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                Monsoon,

                Yes, I’ve made up my mind about what I’m going to do. What I was hoping to get from you was affirmation that I’m not too upset or too close to the situation to make this decision. As in, the decision is not being wrongfully made.

                Thank you for your assistance.

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