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I Wish I Know What Am I and What I Should Do

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    I want to seek some advice, no matter scientific or personal experience. Sigh, it is quite a long story.

    I am a female weirdo study in university. I was bullied by my secondary school classmates(isolation and look pity on ppl who have to contact with me) for 6 years. I have huge dislike in social stereotyping, especial in gender aspect. Although I accept myself as female, I prefer be a male if I can choose my gender. I often see myself as male in dreams and my ideal self inside my heart is also a male(I don't tell my family clearly about this). In sexual aspect, male mostly attract my attention. But in emotional and romance aspect, I am very unsure. Basically I don't give care on ppl's gender or sexuality. Everyone is just, a human, the same thing.

    I have ever dated with a secondary school schoolmate(male) for a year. We only have hugs and holding hands, no kisses and other thing(kiss is a very awful thing for me). He is an ideal boyfriend in many ppl's standard, however he is not match with me. We ended up have trauma to each other(I am the one to start also the one who end) and i got early psychosis. This mental illness is now under control by medicine and things go better.

    When I am at the bottom and worst situation in the relationship, I met my web friend(male, 3 years young than me). We are both fans in webcomic and we have lots of fun in roleplaying. This provide me some relaxation and happiness in such stressful sadness. He is my one true friend of me outside university. After stay frequent contact for over a year, I found out I have crush on him. And I reveal my heart to him. We end up agreeing continue being friends as both of us not wanting to start romantic relationship, and we can start the romance with other ppl if we found someone that is better than each other. And time past very fast. I read some scientific researches said that the "crush" feeling can only last atmost 3 years. I always think we will get along well if we live together. But I don't understand whether it is just I feel lonely because of my 6 hell-like years, or I really want a love partner.

    I have two best friends(also university classmates) and I call them sf and sp(both are female). It is quite often that I have thoughts about holding hands with my closest female friend(either sf or sp) long before. I am very slow heat and holding hands already a great move for me(also enough to satisfy me). And days before, I went watch movie with them. I look at sp and I just have a thought hits me. "If I live with her, we may have a long term lovely time." I have a thought about chase her. My brain keep pop up a lot of "what if" and "pros and cons about her". I feel stress and frustration about this sexuality/romantic orientation bomb and whether I am betraying my web friend or not.

    I only mention my crush on sp (but never talk about crush on webfriend since my parents never trust internet relationship) to my parents. Their response is "we can't help you this time. you have to think it yourself." My parents is quite supportive to most of my things and they seems look okay to my unclear sexuality thing. But I just feel lots of stress and this sucks up my energy for days.

    Everything is mangled. I don't know how to face my new self-exploration(I know I have to accept it), how to face the society, how to classified my sexuality and romantic orientation, am I a bad/awful guy in relationship things, why I just somehow only destroy things. Stress, fear, confusion, hate to myself, nervous,etc... keep hitting me like tsunami waves.

    I apologize for my long passage and horrible grammar. I want to seek some advice and want to find someone to talk. Thank you for reading my issue.
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    Hello Lacerta

    Welcome to our community, we are really glad you found us. Did it feel good to write that down and get things off your chest? I hope so that it was a cathartic excercise for you.

    As you have said you are currently on a journey of exploration which is a positive thing, only you can take this journey and find the answers you are looking for but I will try and address some of the issues you have brought up and unpack them a little.

    It is okay that you are feeling towards maleness right now, you are right everyone is a human, that is interesting that you dream in male, what does this look like for you? And you may be pansexual if you feel that gender doesn't play a part in who you find attractive...

    I'm glad you have got your psychosis under control, do you still have a counsellor that you see regularly?

    I think you aren't betraying your web friend as both of you agreed that for now that what you have is a friendship so don't hold back on finding someone because of a friendship. Its great you have supportive parents but when it comes to love and dating sometimes its nicer to talk to friends right?

    Have you tried online fandom forums or internet dating at all, obviously be safe and make sure you never meet up with anyone not in a public space or in the day.

    Do you have any techniques for managing stress at the moment? I like to do yoga and meditation or go for a long walk to clear my head and that often helps. Have you tried either of these?

    Sending lots of light and positivity your way!

    Remi

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        Hi, I'm having an issue kinda like this. I have been entertained by the thought of being bisexual. I had previously thought about it, having felt partially attracted to females at the time. After a while I started to fade out of that feeling. I started seeing myself more as straight after that and I didn't really think about it much. (This was last year.) Recently, I have started feeling more attracted to girls again. I would have been more likely to dismiss this if it felt the same as the last time, but I feel like, this time, it is stronger?? I am still young and I have heard a lot of people say that you can't truly know these things until you are older. I understand that it is hard to accurately gage your own feelings until you gain more life experience, but I'm getting slightly frustrated. I've never been disturbed by the thought of a girl being into another girl or a guy liking a guy (or anything else of the sort.) but I am having trouble understanding myself. I do, however have a male partner and feel happy in this situation. Sometimes I will lie in bed at night and think aloud to myself about the matter, and I will just try to decode it all. I understand, and wouldn't mind the thought of being interested or with a female partner, but I have not had any experience with girls or ever really gotten to hang out with any female friends that were openly a part of the LGBTQ+ community to try and figure it out with. I'm mainly looking for some advice with this, but any input helps. I have a lot of thoughts related to this on my mind and I am struggling to find answers due to my situation. It is also hard for me to understand what it being over-dramatic, paranoid, confused, distorted, misunderstood, assumed, or just overreaction. I can imagine that it would be hard to find ways to help me with this, (as you don't know me or the way that my mind works very well) but any form of advice or attempts at it would be amazing!

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            Hi, I'm having an issue kinda like this. I have been entertained by the thought of being bisexual. I had previously thought about it, having felt partially attracted to females at the time. After a while I started to fade out of that feeling. I started seeing myself more as straight after that and I didn't really think about it much. (This was last year.) Recently, I have started feeling more attracted to girls again. I would have been more likely to dismiss this if it felt the same as the last time, but I feel like, this time, it is stronger?? I am still young and I have heard a lot of people say that you can't truly know these things until you are older. I understand that it is hard to accurately gage your own feelings until you gain more life experience, but I'm getting slightly frustrated. I've never been disturbed by the thought of a girl being into another girl or a guy liking a guy (or anything else of the sort.) but I am having trouble understanding myself. I do, however have a male partner and feel happy in this situation. Sometimes I will lie in bed at night and think aloud to myself about the matter, and I will just try to decode it all. I understand, and wouldn't mind the thought of being interested or with a female partner, but I have not had any experience with girls or ever really gotten to hang out with any female friends that were openly a part of the LGBTQ+ community to try and figure it out with. I'm mainly looking for some advice with this, but any input helps. I have a lot of thoughts related to this on my mind and I am struggling to find answers due to my situation. It is also hard for me to understand what it being over-dramatic, paranoid, confused, distorted, misunderstood, assumed, or just overreaction. I can imagine that it would be hard to find ways to help me with this, (as you don't know me or the way that my mind works very well) but any form of advice or attempts at it would be amazing!

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                Originally posted by AnotherGirl View Post
                Hi, I'm having an issue kinda like this. I have been entertained by the thought of being bisexual. I had previously thought about it, having felt partially attracted to females at the time. After a while I started to fade out of that feeling. I started seeing myself more as straight after that and I didn't really think about it much. (This was last year.) Recently, I have started feeling more attracted to girls again. I would have been more likely to dismiss this if it felt the same as the last time, but I feel like, this time, it is stronger?? I am still young and I have heard a lot of people say that you can't truly know these things until you are older. I understand that it is hard to accurately gage your own feelings until you gain more life experience, but I'm getting slightly frustrated. I've never been disturbed by the thought of a girl being into another girl or a guy liking a guy (or anything else of the sort.) but I am having trouble understanding myself. I do, however have a male partner and feel happy in this situation. Sometimes I will lie in bed at night and think aloud to myself about the matter, and I will just try to decode it all. I understand, and wouldn't mind the thought of being interested or with a female partner, but I have not had any experience with girls or ever really gotten to hang out with any female friends that were openly a part of the LGBTQ+ community to try and figure it out with. I'm mainly looking for some advice with this, but any input helps. I have a lot of thoughts related to this on my mind and I am struggling to find answers due to my situation. It is also hard for me to understand what it being over-dramatic, paranoid, confused, distorted, misunderstood, assumed, or just overreaction. I can imagine that it would be hard to find ways to help me with this, (as you don't know me or the way that my mind works very well) but any form of advice or attempts at it would be amazing!
                AnotherGirl Hey, I know it can feel that you need to have all the answers now (and I can personally relate to this!) but it really is something that can take time to work out. Allow yourself the space to let things run their course and be open to who you are attracted to - a lot of people can be very fluid in their attractions and it can change over our life. So for example, you might find yourself more attracted to males at some points, or to females. I've known people who have been opposite sex attracted their whole life, fall for someone of the same sex and they didn't feel like they had been 'hiding' a part of themselves. I think that's the beauty of being open to attractions to all genders and sexualities as you're unlikely to miss a wonderful person!

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                • AnotherGirl
                  AnotherGirl commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Thanks for the info! I know that I am very young and I wont be able figure this out for a while, if at all. I really appreciate the support and guidance! Your experiences with friends is interesting and helpful to me. Have a good day!!!
              • Comment


                • AnotherGirl
                  AnotherGirl commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Thanks for the info! I know that I am very young and I wont be able figure this out for a while, if at all. I really appreciate the support and guidance! Your experiences with friends is interesting and helpful to me. Have a good day!!!

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