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How to be more assertive?


Anahita    

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Hello there!

I’ve come to realise that I’m too passive in all my conversations, and in my general being. I don’t know how to talk to someone assertively. Which is why I often bite off more than I can chew. I don’t know why I do this. I have a problem saying no, and I know that I’m being too nice. I want to learn to be more assertive. I don’t want to be aggressive, or passive, I want to be nice and still stand my ground.

I think I have to admit that I lack self confidence and usually have low self esteem, but I’m working on it. Slowly but surely. I don’t know why I always thought that I’m never good enough and ended up pushing myself too hard since childhood.

Does anyone have advice or tips to be more assertive? Is there anything I can do to have a healthy self esteem? How can I make these positive changes in my life?

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Hello @Anahita

 

Thanks for bringing this thoughtful question here, I think a lot of our community members would benefit from.

 

So I think it's important to look at who you are having these conversations with and make sure that they aren't a part of the reason why you don't feel assertive, because our friends shouldn't make us feel unheard ,so that could be something to explore. In regards to 'saying no' and feeling too nice, it's about setting strong and clear boundaries. You are allowed to disagree with someone or to say no and not fear the consequences. Setting clear boundaries is so important in every single relationship and it actually strengthens them.

 

Admitting that you lack self confidence is a good starting point.

 

Write down 5 of your best qualities, or 5 things you like about yourself. Try to keep them in your mind when you are speaking.

Remember that if people don't like what you have to say when you are being authentic and honest, then those people are not meant for you.

Practice saying no.

There's nothing wrong with being nice, you can be nice and assertive at the same time.

Try not to let other peoples opinions of you make your own self worth. It's your self and so let it come from within.

Do not aspire to be liked by everyone, instead inspire to be respected.

 

Go easy on yourself, because you are good enough.

 

Remi

This Digital Mentor Account is no longer active.

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Hey @Anahita

 

Setting strong and clear boundaries is the foundation to any relationship. Try practising in what you know is a safe space for you, so either with a best friend or a parent and see how you go?

 

Self work can be tiring sometimes, so make sure you are practising lots of self care and looking out for yourself.

 

Let me know how you get on.

 

Remi

This Digital Mentor Account is no longer active.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi there! I’ve made a lot of progress for sure. I stood up for myself a couple times after this, and I try to be kind; but still let them know what’s on my mind. I definitely think I need To do some more work on this part of myself, but at least I’ve made some progress. Thank you @Monsoon for checking in and @Remi for your guidance! This is why I find peace in writing here. Thank you :)

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Hello again @Anahita

 

I'm glad to hear that you've made progress. Working on ourselves is such a long journey and we need to be patient with it, and it seems like you are which is good :)

 

How has it gone when you've stood up for yourself? :)

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

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@Monsoon Hi there! It was truly liberating in a way when I finally said something I really wanted to say. I was never dishonest before this, but I was passive. It seemed like whatever I said had taken the people concerned by surprise. I felt good. I was glad I spoke my mind, and that I never said something unkind, while also being kind to myself because I’ve learnt that I’m worth all the kindness that I extend to others. Some times I forget, but I always find something that reminds me of this. I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m hopeful for the best! :)

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Hello @Anahita,

 

It's so nice to hear that you felt liberated. I can definitely see why you'd feel that way after being mostly passive. It's so hard to find a good balance between being polite and assertive, but it sounds like you're really working on this. Go you - we are also hopeful for the best :)

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

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