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Ive been feeling like crap the past few days

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    I dont kno what's up with myself. I've been feeling so depressed lately since Sunday when there was a boy over. Im acearo and like people as a friend but this boy, and his family, who I've known since the end of last year came over to mine for dinner. I think I like him but I'm platonic (think that's how u spell it) and it's been confusing the crap out of me.
    I talked to my mum when they left because I struggled to look at the boy in the eyes. I said to my mum that Im confused because of my asexuality and my feelings. My mum accepts me but I dont think she understands the feelings I have.
    I went to bed feeling horrible. It's been a few days now and I feel like shit. I'm so sad and I don't know why. I really want to stop hanging out with my friends for some reason and I'm feeling suicidal as well and I half do and half don't want to kill myself. I keep picturing what would happen if I did. The only thing that's holding me back is my car, my Slovakian friend and my family.
    It's my birthday in a few days and I really don't want to feel like this on my birthday.
    I really don't enjoy these emotions and they appear every now and then. What I really need to do is have a good cry but there are no tears, I just feel so bloody empty and all from Sunday.
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    Hey Lauren or Tom It can be so hard when these feelings just wash over you and your mood just drops. It's also a completely natural reaction to pull away and want to isolate yourself and to a degree that's okay if it's what you need but if it goes on for too long it can be exhausting. My main concern is the suicidal feelings and it's an absolute priority to ensure you are safe. Are you currently safe and do you have people around you that you can share these feelings with? It's important to remember that these feelings can change and this can pass. You are not alone and we care about you - there are crisis lines available 24/7 all over the world here: www.befrienders.org - in the UK (Samaritans) on 116 123 and in the US (NSPL) on 1-800-273-8255 so keep these close to hand as you deserve the help to get through this.

    The (boy) friend that came over - I get how this is confusing around feelings as it seems to have challenged how you previously felt - and that's okay. For a lot of people, our attractions and identity can be fluid rather than set and rigid. It's okay to process that and to look at your feelings towards him. If you take the time to process how you are feeling, the feelings and emotions are likely to improve and your mood may lift. It may also release any tears and 'allow' you to cry - sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to let go and be a bit vulnerable.

    Does this make sense?

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        Hi Blondie,

        I am safe but I hate letting people know of my sadness and dumping my emotions on them.
        From past experiences, I've learnt to hide the emotions from people and my mind just repeats the same things over and over. Almost like I'm going crazy. I drown my thoughts out with music. I think that's also where these moments come from because I have no one to talk to (except for you guys). I used to have a friend to talk to but I don't really talk to her now.
        And like u said these feelings come and go, I feel like this every few months.

        Thanks,
        Lauren

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            Lauren or Tom Hey Lauren, thanks so much for checking back in. Please check in with us whenever you need to - this is a safe space for you to vent and share. It is completely 'normal' for our mental health to move in waves and many people experience these highs and dips; but it can be difficult to manage when it happens. Do you get any warning signs when your mood begins to dip? From my own experience, the earlier we can recognise the signs we can start to put strategies in place.

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                Hey Blondie,

                I don't normally get any warning, it's normally something bad happens but then my mood just keeps getting worse.

                I finally cried yesterday. I had an argument with a toxic girl. It sucked but this girl is just plain nasty. You kno, she ignores me for weeks at times but maybe every now and then interacts with me when her other little minions (her friends) aren't around. Which is what happened.
                I got to school and the girl was standing there asking for me cause no one was in her class yet. Ok, no biggy, I'll deal with her until the bell actually goes. We walked around for a bit and we bumped into my actual friend. I wouldn't call this girl a friend.
                I was in the middle of telling this girl something but she was ignoring me so I tried to tell her the story again but she still wasn't paying attention.
                Eventually a couple of friends of the girl appeared and last bit of attention that this girl had on me left to focus on her friends. I mean I didnt really care I was a bit frustrated but I do kno that the girl does this a lot so it was no surprise. I had my friend with me. I just gave this girl the finger when her back was turned. She did turn around for a second, I didn't understand why.
                A few periods later, I had double maths with my friend and the girl. The girl really wanted to me to sit with her but I was nearly over the incident from the morning but I still didn't want to sit with her, I sat with my friend. I'm glad that I did.
                This was at the end of the day.
                The bell rang but I had an hour before my mum had to pick me up so I decided to print something off that I had been meaning to do for a while. I had my music and ignoring everyone but the girl also had to wait for a parent.
                She came over to me and said, "So you are going to just stop talking to me?"

                I met this girl at a different school before I left to be homeschooled. It was the same issue, just plain ignoring me.
                When I was going back to school a year later, I found out she was at the same school but in different classes. I was hoping that this girl had changed cause I was semi friends with her but all last year she kept making me think she had changed and was nicer. She wasn't, still nasty, ignores me for weeks but then she'd still ignore me on some days in maths together last year but other days she'd talk to me about issues and crap. I changed classes into my friend's maths class and she had a problem about that and flounced around (which is something that she does when something doesn't go her way) for ages. I finally decided to not bother with this girl. I did talk to her occasionally.

                Anyways, back to what happened, I was quite mad and I don't particularly remember what I said. I think said, "You've done this since St Mary's. Now you're going to flounce around to your fucking friends".
                She goes, "What friends?"
                I think I said, "How's that my issue?"

                She flounced off as I predicted.

                I finally cried. Something that I've been needing to do. More out of frustration and relief.
                I paced around the school until my mum came to pick me up and I told her what happened.

                I don't know if any of this makes sense.

                Thanks,
                Lauren

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