Little bit lost

[Slappy]

Hey everyone, new here. Been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years now. To tell the truthe I dont know what I am sexually, always had tendencies and have experimented with the same sex. I love my girlfriend to pieces and she is the most amazing, wonderful person I have ever known. Close to when we first started a relationship I got very coked up one night and cheated on her with another guy whilst doing a job abroad. he couldnt speak english, dont k ow his name and I dont know where he is, regretted it and shocked myself. Fast forward 20 months just before christmas i was doing my christmas shopping when i walked past a nhs blood donating place so i booked myself in. Blood got screened for hiv. My girlfriend now knows absolutely everything and thank god she doesnt have it, I honestly would not be able to live with myself if I fucked up her life and I will live with the guilt for a long time. But she has accepted me for who I am and has been so supportive and understanding, I'm in the process with the doctors and thank god we live in an age where this can be near enough sorted without affect someones life to much. I am grateful but I believe it is now time to reflect on myself and if need be set things straight. I dont know what I am at the moment sexuality wise, I dont know if I'm gay, in denial, bi sexual or just curious. I have slept with a lot of women and had several relationships (I'm 34) and only about 5-6 one off sexual encounters with guys. I k ow I can love a women, not sure about a bloke bit then again I never gave it proper thought. I watch more gay porn than straight but always told myself it was because I always had the real thing with women. And to confuse things even more, the thought of a threesome with a man and a women does not interest me, but if it were a threesome with just blokes or just women it would. when I'm with women I'm always more dominant and with guys I'm always more interested in being submissive. I have learnt to live with this, without much stress, my girlfriend is amazing and we have been through so much, but I owe it to her to be absolutely honest, and after all this shit with hiv, I have realised that hiding is not the way forward, and maybe if I were more open I may have never found myself in that situation or would have got tested sooner, I had no idea anything was up, but after that encounter i tried my hardest to convince myself it never happened which was stupid and irresponsible. I'm scared about the hiv, I'm not so scared about the question of my sexuality anymore, I honestly dont k ow what the answear is though, just wish it were one or the other. Sorry for all the details, needed to get it off my chest, I'm not after sympathy. I dont know what il get out of this. If you have read this much then thank you.

[Monsoon]

Hello @Slappy

 

Welcome to our support community. I'm one of the digital mentors here at Ditch the Label and it's my job to support our members. I'm sorry to hear about all that you've been through recently. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you, but I am grateful that you've opened up to us. It's good that your girlfriend is so supportive and it really sounds like you have a strong relationship. How are you feeling after getting all of that off your chest? I think that for many people, even offloading like you have can be insightful in itself. Getting it all out can give us the clarity we need to think about what we might need next. I'm wondering, what do you think might be next in your journey?