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Anxiety strikes back

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    Hi!
    I'm Adhara and, instead of just introdicing myself, I've been thinking that I would pretty much like to go forward with the issue I'm having right now as well.
    It's funny because I realized recently, after a long time, not only that I was indeed bullied in the past (during primary school, and yes, it has taken me a while, mostly because it was never a physical thing but much more a mental and emotional one) but also that I'm suffering of anxiety due to that, due to degradation of a lack of self-esteem. The anxiety one has been hard. And then I learned about this web AND I'm having a new confrontation that has just barely started and, well, everything is just connecting so well.
    The story is kind of dumb itself. That's how I got to understand my anxiety, actually: when I noticed that my worries where over quite little things. But I think it's also good to accept it when something it is affecting you. But no more talk, let's go to the issue. About over two weeks ago, someone from the place I'm studying at, asked me if I wanted her to buy me a ticket to a teatral play (for me and other people too). I didn't really want to, but after a lot of asking and pushing I endeed up saying "yes". Not a big deal, I just didn't know this person and the others so well to feel confortable. She and another person who offered to be intermediator said that they would tell me as soon as she got the tickets bought and so, gave them my number.
    10 days passed and I realized that I was gonna miss the play -they were running out of tickets- and made the decision to buy my ticket on my own. Didn't think about it too much, to be honest, I just did what I thought was the best, without any sort of resentment towards the two who I thought forgot about me or anything, just doing my thing.
    Then, right the next day, this girl sent me a text, telling me, right away, to give her the money of the ticket she bought me.
    All I could think was "wait, when, how, just, what?!?" And quickly responded by apologizing and telling her that I was not expecting her (at that point) and already got my ticket.
    This has happened to me plenty of times, AS her, so I told her that too that I knew what it was to be in her position, that it sucked, but that I could get to reach some people that we've got in commun that told me that they were interested in them and get them to buy her the ticket. All as calmly as possible.
    Until there, I thought I was managing the situation well. I apologized for my mistake (because yes, it was in part my mistake, out of miscommunication), not took HER fault in the conversation (she left me without any way to contact her and didn't reach me before, making me wait for days) and found what I think was a reasonable solution.
    I knew she wouldn't like it but I was not expecting her to get mad and to talk to me in an agressive way, demanding the money.
    I've seen that attitude before. The "I've got the right to be listened but not the duty to listen to anybody else", she wasn't even listening to me and making up words I didn't said and situations that never happened. Due to that, I started getting anxious more and more to the point that I couldn't breathe well. It's been like that several times in my life. I feel like I've been sort of trained to feel as if I have to be less than the rest of the people surrounding me in my life. As if I ACTUALLY had to do as she said. Not out of remorse but out of me being "smaller", less.
    I decided to stop answering, I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, losing words to say.
    It was the "easy" way, I know, but it was either that or keep a conversation that was going no where with me having an anxiety attack.
    Besides, it wasn't worht it, she wasn't even listening (as I said). It was not a conversation anymore.
    I fell like I just don't know how to defend myself. I felt so impotent.
    Does it ever get better?

    Sorry if this is too long D: And thank you for stepping by.
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    Adhara Hey and welcome! I think you've explained this perfectly. First of all, you did the right thing in explaining to her why you had bought a ticket already and apologising for any inconvenience it put her to. You had no way of contacting her and I would think that most people after that amount of time would assume she had forgot.

    What I always find is an important point - we are only responsible for our own actions and behaviours and we cannot control how others behave or react. I realise that their behaviour can cause us to feel upset or anxious or angry or confused etc but you did the right thing in the circumstances. It takes time to let that slip away and for us not to hang on to feelings it leaves us with but it is possible with practice.

    Your feelings and thoughts throughout life are just as valid and important as everyone else and you are in no way 'less than' even though early experiences may have left that with you. Again, this takes practice but bis definitely achievable. This article is particularly helpful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/overco...w-self-esteem/

    It can and does get better!

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    • Adhara
      Adhara commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you so much for replying Blondie! (It was way sooner than I expected)
      And thank you for your words. It does change a lot when you read this directed towards you rather than reading it through articles XD

      Today she was waiting for me at my classroom door, ready to yell and intimidate me (with some of her friends, one of them the "intermediator" from before who, as I knew, intervened in her favor but just for a little while). All I could remember were those words you said to me here and I immediately decided to keep an attitude in which I would refuse to talk to her unless she would be willing to hear me as well.
      She obviously didn't and openly, directly, literally, figuratively said to me that she didn't give a single "fudge" about what I had to say many times.
      I tried to keep it calm, not to appear indifferent but to not cry xD (I cry when I get on my nerves or stressed) and, mostly, to keep my head and mind cool so I was, at least, in charge of my own behavior.

      She almost convinced me that I was a horrible person until she started to insult me and made me realize that, even if she was slightly right, she wasn't any better.

      So again, thanks a lot! I'll take a look to that article.

      Edit: at the end she ended up sending me to "hell" (to say it nicely) and saying she didn't want the money anymore. And a couple of "nice" things too.
      The good thing is that she sort of gave up on me. The bad thing is that she, obviously, made that scene in front of the classmates, who were her friends. And also that I'm not quite sure if she's going to leave me in peace. Which I hope.
      Last edited by Adhara; 25-02-2020, 07:57 PM.
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    • Adhara
      Adhara commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you so much for replying Blondie! (It was way sooner than I expected)
      And thank you for your words. It does change a lot when you read this directed towards you rather than reading it through articles XD

      Today she was waiting for me at my classroom door, ready to yell and intimidate me (with some of her friends, one of them the "intermediator" from before who, as I knew, intervened in her favor but just for a little while). All I could remember were those words you said to me here and I immediately decided to keep an attitude in which I would refuse to talk to her unless she would be willing to hear me as well.
      She obviously didn't and openly, directly, literally, figuratively said to me that she didn't give a single "fudge" about what I had to say many times.
      I tried to keep it calm, not to appear indifferent but to not cry xD (I cry when I get on my nerves or stressed) and, mostly, to keep my head and mind cool so I was, at least, in charge of my own behavior.

      She almost convinced me that I was a horrible person until she started to insult me and made me realize that, even if she was slightly right, she wasn't any better.

      So again, thanks a lot! I'll take a look to that article.

      Edit: at the end she ended up sending me to "hell" (to say it nicely) and saying she didn't want the money anymore. And a couple of "nice" things too.
      The good thing is that she sort of gave up on me. The bad thing is that she, obviously, made that scene in front of the classmates, who were her friends. And also that I'm not quite sure if she's going to leave me in peace. Which I hope.
      Last edited by Adhara; 25-02-2020, 07:57 PM.
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    Adhara Well done - you absolutely nailed it! I know it's hard but you behaved perfectly under what was I'm sure a stressful situation. I'm hopeful that as she didn't get the response that she thought, she'll likely leave you alone now. We're always here if you need us!

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        Hi Adhara, nice to meet you. I think you handled that situation extremely well and I think you're right to let it go and move on. Feel free to message me if you ever want to chat! I feel like I can't defend myself either, I'm always too worried about hurting other peoples feelings (even if they've hurt mine first.)

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            Thank you so much to both of you, Blondie and elliej14! This is really helping me lift up my confidence! I feel like once you are in a really low point, you only have to fight to get back up (if that makes sense).

            And I tell you the same, Ellie! If you need to talk, here I am. Allowing myself to learn that people's actions shouldn't affect me to the point of putting them before me is a hard challenge. Like, in the situation I've been talking about, I really felt bad for this girl and very guilty, but that should not work as a justification for me to not follow my heart when it tells me that I'm not a bad person and that I should fight for my own rights. And so do you!

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