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just want to curl up and die


rainbow_narwhal    

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Im sorry if im like bothering people but......i was diagnosed with depression on my 15th birthday last year and its been a battle all 2020.i had a panic attack friday and was freaking out because i wasn't allowed to do my homework.I was grounded and now another birthday passes with my mom hating me.All i do is mess up and everyone hates me.i have no friends and...........idk

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Hey @rainbow_narwhal

 

Welcome to our support community. I'm one of the digital support mentors at Ditch the Label and I'm here to give advice and support to our members. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time. It sounds like you've got a lot of your plate with the panic attacks, feeling like your mom hates you, and feeling like you have no friends. You are not bothering us at all; we are here to help you with this - you are not alone :)

 

It sounds like you've really been through it, but it's amazing that you're still going strong. Can I ask, why do you feel like your mom hates you? Also, if you like, we can share some tips on how to improve your mental health. Let me know if you'd like this and we can talk more about it.

 

Stay strong, Rainbow. You will get through this.

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She just dislikes me strongly.She tells me to kill myself if i'm so suicidal and tells me that she hates me and so on. I just wish she would be motherly. shes kept me isolated my whole life to "protect me".I'm just trapped.

Were not allowed to talk about our feelings because you just get made fun of.If i show anything other then content she gets mad.I love her but i do so a lot for her (she runs a business and i take care of all the animals.Its just me who raises all 12 of them along with whatever litter we have) along with that i force myself to join clubs and sports to make her happy. I work hard to do everything right but the stress is catching up and im not stable in the first place. I need her to understand that I didn't choose to be this way. I cant just turn my feelings off.

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Hi @rainbow_narwhal I'm new to this forum so i don't know if it's normal to respond to other peoples' posts but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and that I can relate to how you're feeling. I got diagnosed with depression in 2020 too. When I told my mom she literally wouldn't believe me and just brushed it off and got mad at me for no reason saying things like it's just me overreacting/exaggerating (even though she's the most dramatic person I know), so for me sitting there at the kitchen table carrying depression and anxiety what she said pushed me in a deeper hole. That was the last time I ever talked to her about my mental health. I also keep my emotions bottled up (which is probably a bad idea), but when I release these emotions around her, it just ends up backfiring and she just gets all crazy calling me ungrateful, dramatic, and stuff.

So recently I opened up a secret-ish instagram account and allowed a very very small amount of my close friends to follow me. There I just post paragraphs and paragraphs of rants or whatever made me mad that day, and it's a good release of stress. If it's something really really personal that I don't want to share, I type it all in my phone and just keep it there. I also make a mental escape in my head like even though physically my mom is right there breathing down my neck, mentally she's not there, you know.

I don't know why moms are like this, it's like the person you would expect to understand you the most just doesn't and its hard.

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Hey @rainbow_narwhal

 

Thanks for explaining how things are for you at the moment. I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your mom. How long has it been like this for? Can I ask, are you feeling suicidal at the moment? If you are, please know that we are here for you throughout this and you are not alone. You will be able to get through this.

 

It sounds like your relationship with your mom is really having a big impact on your mental health. You deserve to be treated better. You have worth and you're a good person. I'm wondering, when you say she has kept you isolated your whole life, what do you mean by this?

 

Also, we can share some tips on how to improve your mental health if you like? Let me know if you'd like this and we can send some things over that will help you.

 

Stay strong, Rainbow. You are not alone.

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I've never been allowed to go to other people's houses or birthdays until about 4 years ago. In time span of 4 years i've gone with friends about only about 15-25 times.I m not allowed to have social media or a phone or text friends.The school computer i have is taken away after my school is done. With covid i've left my house about 10 times ( 16 including the brief in person school)

my mom says she doesn't trust me.(when i was 10 i stole 20 dollars from her because she was threatening to get rid of my cat if he didn't get neutered so i wanted to save money, but then i thought of the idea to get candy) from then i've been a thief and a liar. I've lashed out occasionally because of how tight her grip on me. My freshman year i smoked weed and drank. It was more for confidence and i didnt like it anyways so i only did it 3 times.

 

I was in a mental hospital on my 15 birthday and went i came back we were on lockdown so no therapy and I was dealing with PTSD from it.I lost all my friends because before the hospital i was fun and loud and filled with "confidence". Now i cant stop saying sorry, Certain smells sets me off and makes me double over in like mental pain from the experience. I space out a lot (i did before the hospital) but now when i do i have sort of flashbacks of the experience.My mom yells at me when i do this because im creepy or i'm wasting water (it sometimes happens when im doing dishes)

 

I've been looking forward to my 16th birthday for the last decade but knowing this is going to be my 6th birthday uncelebrated hurts. Its stupid to be upset about but it did mean a lot to me.

 

Sorry this was so long and I hope your ok Monsoon.I notice that you answer a lot of things on here.I dont know if its the same person or different person with same account but i hope all this negativity isn't hurting you and that your life is good and you still have time for you. Thank you

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Hey @rainbow_narwhal

 

I'm sorry to hear how things are between you and your mom. It sounds like this has all been really hard for you which is totally understandable. It seems like there's a lot of tension between you two and that would be really hard on anyone. I'm wondering, have you told anyone about how things are at home? Maybe like a teacher, or another member of your family? It must be hard for you when you're being told that you're creepy by your mom when you're actually just struggling. There's nothing creepy or wrong about that. I'm wondering, have you spoken to the doctor about your mental health? I'm thinking that they might be able to do something with therapy even though you're in lockdown. What do you think?

 

Also, thank you for your kind comment. I am doing well and still make sure that I have time for myself :).

 

Speak soon,

 

Monsoon

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My mom has left bruises on my face a couple times in the past and when I came back from the hospital.My counselor contacted the principle who contacted the police. Nothing happens. I was left in more trouble. Its only my mom and her husband and younger siblings. No extended family at all. She cut them off (for reasons i agree with) but she plans to throw me out when im 18 and tells me this often.

 

As for therapy the hospital set me up with some sessions but my mother declined them. She took my to a place to scare me into not taking drugs and that was it. I think shes scared i might tell them something that i'm not supposed to.

Thanks for the advice and ill try to apply it.

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Hi @rainbow_narwhal

 

I'm sorry to hear that she has been abusive towards you. Has anything else happened recently? I'm concerned that you are in danger right now from your mom - do you think you are? We want to help you with your situation in any way we can. We care about your safety here at Ditch the Label. If you like, we can speak about this over email to make it more private.

 

Also, with the hospital, is there a chance that you could speak to them and say that you want to do the sessions?

 

Stay strong, Rainbow. You will get through this.

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