What if... I am...

[FlyingBlind]

I've debated creating an account and posting on here for a few days... Admittedly, I think I may know the answer, but it scares me.

I've grown up in a religious environment (kind of). Truly my family went to church at times, and my faith is what carried me through a pretty difficult childhood.

I always considered myself straight. I had crushes on guys (I'm a woman) and I dissmissed the one night of exploration with a female friend and that kinda crush I had on a female teacher.

I liked, and like, men well enough. I've dated several growing up. I get along with them as friends, actually prefered it up till high school. And in a romantic setting, it's enjoyable to be with a guy.

But, then I met this one woman while at University, we'll call her J. What started as just a good friendship, turned to a romantic relationship (though we both denied the sexual nature of our relationship for a good while).

when we finally acknowledged our relationship for what it was, we both truly knew it couldn't last. We both come from religious backgrounds, my future 'career' isn't accepting of same-sex relationships, she wants children tI don't), and several other factors.

Finally, I ended our relationship and eventually our friendship. It absolutely sucked, but felt like the right thing.

The difficult issue now is that I don't even know what to think of my sexuality. I have an difficult time reconciling my religious beliefs with anything other than heterosexual relationships. Yet, my relationship with J was so different than any of my relationships with men. There was this... fire... that I hadn't experienced before. It felt so much deeper.

My current path in life isn't accepting of same-sex relationships. And I fear that if I am more attracted to Woman than men then I'll end up either single all my life or settling for a man that I'm attracted to well enough, but forever knowing that there's something more...

I'm not even sure what I expect to get from posting here. I just... Feel so confused (and have for awhile). It would be so much easier for me to just be straight. Or if I'd never met J then I'd never have know I could feel differently...

Edited February 16, 2019 by FlyingBlind
Edited cause I hit enter too early 😂

[Techy-Nature]

Hi FlyingBlind,

I am also religious. I am non-denominational Christian. I feel like my parents don't agree that I am asexual and always will be- my Mom has always held that I just "haven't met the right man" yet. I know how I've reacted to other guys (no sexual attraction whatsoever), but girls, I've never tried. I don't think it would be any different, to be honest. I'm similar to you, in a way is what I'm trying to say.

Basically, you have a choice.

 

1. If you haven't already, read the bible all the way through. I've gotten to Mark, and I've actually been specifically looking for information about LGBT and whether or not they should be accepted. I haven't found any mention of same-sex marriage or relationships so far. I've also searched for keywords in a bible app- the only thing I found was a verse in Hebrews: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. ⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have..." that was after searching "marriage" in the new testament. Honestly I don't think it's referring to lgb's, but that's just me. You can also pray, and see what God thinks.

2. You can renounce Christianity and follow a different (or no, but I doubt that would be an option for you... I know it wouldn't be for me) religion.

 

Unfortunately unless you can prove to people that the Bible says something to the contrary or it says nothing about LGBTs, it's likely you'll be ridiculed for having a girlfriend.

 

There might be a third option... My mom was saying there is a way to fix your sexuality, where you can make it hetero again, when she was suspecting I might be les and we were talking about gays already. I will ask her and edit when she is done watching God Friended Me.

Edited February 18, 2019 by Techy-Nature

[Remi]

Hello there Flying Blind

 

Welcome to Community!

 

I understand that your religion is something really important to you and you don't want to disappoint anyone in your faith or your family. What is your new career? There are laws to protect LGBT people in the workplace and therefore your work should not discriminate against you.

 

I personally believe that all sexuality is a spectrum and that our own feelings fall somewhere on that spectrum. It is never black and white and there are always grey areas. Do you think it was the gender of this girl that made your relationship so special in college or was it the girl herself?

 

I understand why you feel confused. How would you feel about being bisexual? I know it feels easier to 'just be straight' but there is nothing wrong with being bisexual, it is completely normal.

 

@Techy-Nature - thanks for some of the advice you gave Flying Blind. Great that you have read through parts in the bible and seen that there is little to no reference to LGBT. But we definitely understand that some religions find conflict with LBGT understanding.

 

With regards to 'fixing' your sexuality. This is impossible. We are born loving and being attracted to who we love and there is countless research to show that this is not something that can be done. I would discourage you from looking into this any further.

 

I hope some of this has helped. Let us know how you are getting on.

 

-Remi

 

 

[Techy-Nature]

I would argue that God can do anything, even change sexualities of people. It may not be scientifically possible, but science isn't everything. I asked my Mom and she basically said to pray and ask for the healing of your sexuality, and to also continue soaking yourself in the Word of the Lord. If you feel going to church and asking help from the pastor for prayer would be good, you can do that too. Anyway, that's all I'm going to say on this. You can continue without me now.

[FlyingBlind]

Thank you Techy-Nature and Remi for your replies.

 

In regard to studing scripture, I actually studied it at University. Interestingly, you won't find anything about it in the Gospels. Jesus never actually addresses it.

 

The areas where the Bible speaks on it are in Genesis (talks about how a man and woman leave their family to become one), in Leviticus 18, and in the New Testament you have 1Cor 6:9, Roms 1:26-27. There aren't a ton of places, and there are scholars who disagree that these actually speak to LGBTQ of today.

One thought on some of the New Testament verses is that it was actually speaking against older males who in the greek culture would take advantage of young boys. Which is quite different than what we're talking about.

Some scholars argue that the relationship between David and Johnathan is one actually in support of LGBTQ.

 

But I'm still wrestling with how I understand these verses.

 

The career I'm going into is essentially a pastor. The denomination acknowledges that there are other sexualities besides heterosexual but it maintains that marriage is between a man and a woman. If someone isn't heterosexual and they wish to be a pastor then they agree to remain celibate.

 

I do think you're right about me being bisexual Remi. I do think that a big part of my attraction to J had to do with how close we were. We became very close emotionally long before we did anything sexually. And perhaps it's just that I've not been that close to a man emotionally.

I have found myself finding other woman attractive since (maybe I was just ignoring it before? Idk...) but I still also find guys attractive. So that would seem to fit.

 

I would agree with Remi that I don't think you can "fix" your sexuality. Or else after 2 years I wouldn't still be trying to figure this out. I also know of people who are devote Christians, believe marriage is between a man and a woman, but still identify as LGBTQ.

 

I think alot of my struggle comes down to fear. I'm afraid of being judged and rejected for my sexuality (even though those that know about my relationship with J have actually been super awesome and not judgemental).

I'm also super scared that I will end up alone or settling. I don't want either option. But I worry that if I do lean more towards woman then those things may happen.

 

I also worry that I may one day be the person someone comes to who is struggling as well. If I'm still wrestling with what scripture means, and with my own identify, who am I to guide someone else?

 

There's also a part of me that wants to explore this a bit. But I fear how some would respond to that. I also couldn't continue in my current direction with the church if I did and it was discovered. So ya... It's kinda a frustrating and confusing place to be.

[Remi]

I would argue that God can do anything, even change sexualities of people. It may not be scientifically possible, but science isn't everything. I asked my Mom and she basically said to pray and ask for the healing of your sexuality, and to also continue soaking yourself in the Word of the Lord. If you feel going to church and asking help from the pastor for prayer would be good, you can do that too. Anyway, that's all I'm going to say on this. You can continue without me now.

Thanks Techy-Nature. I fully respect your beliefs and those of your family. I feel differently about it and that's my personal opinion. But it's good for us to be able to share our opinions respectfully with one another on this space.

[Remi]

Hey FlyingBlind,

 

I really understand why you feel so conflicted, frustrated and confused.

 

Your sexuality and the feelings you have about it are so multifaceted on one level it's how you feel, your attraction to both women and men which seems to be intensifying for women (this is on its own a very positive feeling) and intrigue around experimenting again. And then on another level your fear of what people will think, family, friends, your church, your profession and society. and then you have your faith as well.

No wonder you feel confused but is it worth trying to separate these feelings out so at least even if you don't share and come out to everyone it might be nice to just be out to yourself.

 

I am bisexual but am currently in a relationship with a man, but I still feel I am bisexual. So I know it feels like you need to worry about the future heaps but sometimes it's about seeing where life takes you.

 

As for being a pastor, so much of that is about supporting people and the fact that you think in so much detail and with gathering so much information and showing so much empathy it sounds as though you will make a great pastor. Those of us that question and explore are more than worthy of leading others!

 

Whether LGBT or not we, as humans worry about being alone and so you are not alone there, this is not an exclusive bisexual problem.

 

I hope some of this has helped, just know that your feelings are 100% valid.

 

-Remi

[FlyingBlind]

Thank you so much for your reply Remi!

 

It is so helpful to hear that my feelings are valid. This all can feel a bit isolating at times.

 

I like what you said about at least coming out to myself. I've been going back and forth with it for awhile but it's been hard for me to accept this part of myself.

Accepting that it's ok to be bisexual. Maybe that's my first step in making sense of what I feel and believe.

 

And just taking it all one day at a time.

 

Thank you for your encouragement about being a pastor. I hope to be a pastor who helps create a space for people to be authentic and belong. And that would start with me accepting myself first.

 

[Remi]

Hey Flying Blind,

 

You have encapsulated it all so well here. That's all you can do is take it one step at a time. Self-acceptance will take a while and there will be hurdles but you can always come back here and check in with me any step along the way. We're here for you.

 

What I find is comforting when I think about being in helping roles is that we are all flawed - every single one of us. That's what makes us human. We doubt ourselves sometimes and that's okay. It sounds like you are becoming a pastor for all of the right reasons..

 

Feel free to keep checking in here whenever you need to.

 

-Remi

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lauren or Tom]

Hi FlyingBlind,

I am also religious. I am non-denominational Christian. I feel like my parents don't agree that I am asexual and always will be- my Mom has always held that I just "haven't met the right man" yet. I know how I've reacted to other guys (no sexual attraction whatsoever), but girls, I've never tried. I don't think it would be any different, to be honest. I'm similar to you, in a way is what I'm trying to say.

Basically, you have a choice.

 

1. If you haven't already, read the bible all the way through. I've gotten to Mark, and I've actually been specifically looking for information about LGBT and whether or not they should be accepted. I haven't found any mention of same-sex marriage or relationships so far. I've also searched for keywords in a bible app- the only thing I found was a verse in Hebrews: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. ⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have..." that was after searching "marriage" in the new testament. Honestly I don't think it's referring to lgb's, but that's just me. You can also pray, and see what God thinks.

2. You can renounce Christianity and follow a different (or no, but I doubt that would be an option for you... I know it wouldn't be for me) religion.

 

Unfortunately unless you can prove to people that the Bible says something to the contrary or it says nothing about LGBTs, it's likely you'll be ridiculed for having a girlfriend.

 

There might be a third option... My mom was saying there is a way to fix your sexuality, where you can make it hetero again, when she was suspecting I might be les and we were talking about gays already. I will ask her and edit when she is done watching God Friended Me.

I think I'm an asexual trans boy and i told my mum and I got the same response, "u just havent met the right man/boy/girl/woman". that hurt alot