Ask me Anything - Sexuality, Relationships and Coming Out with Saski

[Saski]

Hey everyone!

 

I'm Saski! I am a Pride host, singer, and LGBT+ advocate and educator!

 

Throughout April, I want you lot to 'Ask me Anything' about sexuality, identity coming out, pride or anything else you can think of and I promise to get back to all of you!

 

Saski x

[julia]

hi! i'm a teenager from Poland. i've just discovered this page and i'm really happy. but there are some thing that i don't know how to handle. for example, i smacked a girl and a boy and i felt really uncomfortable. i talked to my mum, and she said that it was normal reaction of my body and i'm not old enough for relationship which i agree. but i don't know my sexuality. in fact, my best friend tells me about boys and i don't really care. is that okay? i'm just trying to discover myself for 100% which isn't possible in my age. so, here's my question: is there anything i should do?

ps: sorry for my english

kisses, julia

[Alicorn]

Hi. I came out to one person yesterday. I'm bi and she's pan, and I think I might like her. She's a new friend of mine, but we get along well. Today everything was really awkward between us. I don't know what to do. It's like both of us coming out to each other created some sort of rift between us. What should I do?

 

~Alicorn

 

[ace204]

hi, I'm a girl. I started questioning myself at 14 because I liked a girl who was my close friend back then. I know why I was attracted to her, I've been crushing on her for about 3 years and still counting . I don't know why I never felt any attraction towards boys? I mean, I love seeing their handsome faces but that's it, nothing pulls me to them.... Until this day, I'm still confused, and I know my parents won't accept me if I really turn out to be bi/gay. Any advice/thoughts? Thanks:)

[Remi]

Thanks for all of your questions so far, don't forget to Ask Saski absolutely anything to do with coming out, identity and sexuality here...

 

She will be answering all of your qs throughout the month!

 

[Kin]

Hi Saski,

i came out as bi to my counsellors, doctor and 3 friends. I can’t come out to my best friends or family because they are extremely homophobic. Lately I’ve been questioning my sexuality wondering if I may be gay. Guys do nothing for me. There is someone of the same sex that I have strong feelings for and I know it will never happen but I can’t change how I feel. I also don’t know anyone who is bi or gay so I feel alone in this. I also feel shame. I’m confused. Please help.kin

[Marv]

Hi,

I'm an 18y/o student and I'm bisexual and just started a relationship with someone who is transgender. I don't care, he doesn't care. I've come out to a few people, and I have other bi and lesbian friends. It's getting extremely hard to hide my bisexuality and our relationship, especially at school. Some of my friends/classmates, I have found, are a little homophobic, saying that bisexual people are 'confused' and 'ew', too, and laughing at the idea of being a lesbian. Generally, they respect it all. But I get the vibe they'd rather not have LGBTQ+ people around. I really want to be myself at school and properly go out with my friend. Do I/we own it and strut on in holding hands, me with my bi shirt, pride necklace and bi badge on? or do we keep it under wraps? Thanks! <3

[Adria]

was it hard for you to come out and achive your goals or was it easy?

[Hjd1201]

Hi. For the longest time I was convinced I was into boys because where I am from that is what happens that's what's "normal". Then I realised I never really had crushes like everyone else my age was, or I wasn't fawning over the newest hottest celebrity so I convinced myself that being into people just wasn't my thing which was all fine and great. After I finally had this understanding it changed I liked a boy, a friend of a friend who I met then once or twice and then spent alot of time getting to know over texts and calls. I understood what everyone was talking about as far as attraction for once in my life. It didn't work out with him we're still friends but he didn't feel the same way so I went back to my "not liking anyone shut off thing". I've now begun to realise I'm falling for my best friend. I cant stop thinking about her and she makes me so happy, nad I care about her so much. She's lesbian so I know she'll understand but I know she doesn't like me like that. I don't want to put her through anything because I don't understand what I am as far as feelings for people or jow someone could have who they love be so defined buly this kind of thing.

[Zayn]

Heya, so my friend came out to me and I didn't expect it so I actually was shocked and I know I came across that way. Anyway we just kinda left it there and now it's a bit awkward, how do I bring it up to him so he knows I wasn't like shocked in a bad way?

[bingabong]

is it normal to see someone of the same gender and find them attractive even if ur straight?

[bingabong]

is it normal to see someone of the same gender and find them attractive even if ur straight?

or does it mean im bi?

[Saski]

Hey @bingabong

 

Thanks for your question and its a good one at that!

 

I would say, yes! It's totally normal to find someone of the same gender as you attractive and be straight. As a lesbian myself, I can appreciate a good looking man but for me, I know, I am still solely sexually attracted to woman. However, we are all on a spectrum when it comes to sexual orientation and gender identity. As an example, what I mean by that, is for some of us over time we may meet people who we become attracted to that are the same or different gender. It doesn't mean this is a definite thing for everyone, it just means that it can happen and the main thing to know is that if it does, it's ok, always remember love is love!

 

Let me know if this has answered your question

Edited April 29, 2019 by Saski

[Saski]

Hi. I came out to one person yesterday. I'm bi and she's pan, and I think I might like her. She's a new friend of mine, but we get along well. Today everything was really awkward between us. I don't know what to do. It's like both of us coming out to each other created some sort of rift between us. What should I do?

 

~Alicorn

Hey Alicorn! (Cool name BTW)

 

Sorry for the delay!

 

I can understand you might feel a little awkward but actually, you should flip the awkwardness because its a really cool thing that you both 'came out' to each other.

I think more, maybe because it's a new friendship, so you don't really know each other well enough yet, but the more you hang out that will change. My advice would be, to be open and talk to her about it. For example, you might wanna say next time, "Hey I'm so pleased we came out to each other, it's cool that we can be open about who we are" (Because actually not being able to be 'out' often holds a person back from truly being themselves so this is great for you both!)

 

Next part...so you think you might fancy her. Don't stress, this is fine too! BUT I would say if you're currently feeling awkward, hold off on taking the next step until you feel more confident in your friendship first. Often you get a sense if someone fancies you (And sometimes there's no clue, which is a bummer) however once you establish your friendship more, I bet you'll have a better idea of how to play it in terms of telling her how you feel or not.

 

Whatever happens, just try and relax and be yourself, as that will give you more confidence in who you are and will work well for you in any future relationships, romantic or platonic etc.

 

#Alwaysbeyourself

 

I hope that helps ;-)

[Saski]

Hi Saski,

i came out as bi to my counsellors, doctor and 3 friends. I can’t come out to my best friends or family because they are extremely homophobic. Lately I’ve been questioning my sexuality wondering if I may be gay. Guys do nothing for me. There is someone of the same sex that I have strong feelings for and I know it will never happen but I can’t change how I feel. I also don’t know anyone who is bi or gay so I feel alone in this. I also feel shame. I’m confused. Please help.kin

Hi KIN,

 

I know this is a long reply but I want you to know it's all ok!

 

Thanks for sending me a message and sharing how your feeling. I'm sorry to hear this a struggle for you right now but I also understand how you feel too. Before I came out I used to find it difficult to accept that I might like the same gender i.e. woman and also I constantly worried that my friends and family would not accept me, if I ever told them. At that point in my life, I was very confused and scared, I didn't know any other people from the LGBT+ community and I certainly had not 'come out' to anybody either.

 

The first thing I want to tell you is that you should not feel ashamed about who you are attracted to. Despite some other peoples views, feeling attracted to the same or different gender is perfectly regular, and we certainly don't choose who we are attracted to. E.g we do not choose to be straight, just as we don't choose to be Lesbian, Gay or Bi. I believe that the only 'choice' side of things is whether we choose to 'come out' about who we are attracted too and that is it!

 

The great thing is, that actually you have already 'come out' to a few people in your life so far, and from your message, I'm guessing that those people, in particular, did not respond negatively, so please continue to be open with them about how you are feeling, because it will be really good to get things off your chest and not bottle them up.

 

On that note, I would suggest looking online to see if there are any local LGBTQI+ Youth Groups or online LGBTQI+ Youth Forums that you can also contact as these would be confidential and they will really help you to understand that you are not alone in your feelings. Plus you will also meet other like-minded people and highly likely make new friends too. And double plus, good old google opens up so much more access to platforms like YouTube where you can search for Positive LGBTQI+ role models and content creators to watch too.

 

From my own experience and all of my other friends from the LGBTQI+ community too, we all found it much easier to be ourselves and eventually be 'out and proud' over time, once we started to meet other people who were also Gay, Lesbian or Bi. The main strength in that came from realising we were not alone (and believe me you are so not)

 

This will also help you to feel stronger in yourself, especially when it comes to potentially coming out in the future. There's no doubt it can be hurtful if people don't accept your sexual orientation but if you always remember that your true happiness is the most important thing (regardless of who you are attracted to) you will also know the importance of keeping positive people in your life too ( as we only have one life)

 

You never know, your close friends and family might not react as badly as you are expecting, however, please continue to build a support network around you either way.

 

At this stage, I would just focus on understanding who you are and meeting new like-minded friends, as the idea of coming out right now is way too much stress and worry and you don't need that. One step at a time and I am confident that, with doing that eventually you will start to feel better about things and certainly more confident and happier about it all.

 

Here's a link I found with some LGBTQI+ approved youth forums you can check out and also for school support a PRIDE Youth Network which is an LGBTQI+ and equality group for your school (pass it on to your favorite teacher) as it will also be a great support network in school too!

 

Things will get better in time, keep positive and do lots of fun things that make you happy in between, your sexual orientation is only a small part of the amazing human being that you already are! ;-)

 

Youth Forums:https://www.dailydot.com/irl/lgbt-youth-safe-spaces/

 

PYN:http://www.educateandcelebrate.org/pride-youth-network/

 

I hope this helps!

 

Take Care and keep going! ;-)

 

Saski

[Saski]

Hi,

I'm an 18y/o student and I'm bisexual and just started a relationship with someone who is transgender. I don't care, he doesn't care. I've come out to a few people, and I have other bi and lesbian friends. It's getting extremely hard to hide my bisexuality and our relationship, especially at school. Some of my friends/classmates, I have found, are a little homophobic, saying that bisexual people are 'confused' and 'ew', too, and laughing at the idea of being a lesbian. Generally, they respect it all. But I get the vibe they'd rather not have LGBTQ+ people around. I really want to be myself at school and properly go out with my friend. Do I/we own it and strut on in holding hands, me with my bi shirt, pride necklace and bi badge on? or do we keep it under wraps? Thanks! <3

Hey MARV!

 

Thanks for your message. Firstly, that's so great that you are confident in yourself to be out with your partner, and that's exactly how it should be. Unfortunately, some people can be very ignorant and often the Bisexual community takes a hit with the dumb arse 'your confused' comments too. The thing is, you will come across people like this on life's journey but the key thing is to NEVER let anyone make you feel unworthy or not good enough or that you should hide and not be your true self on any level (It's their issue, not your's!) This is your life, so live it to the max my friend and you will be much happier!

 

Of course, some people do need education when it comes to sexual orientation and gender Identity but we can all tell when it's genuine mistakes or misinformation right?

 

So if after that, anyone continues to give back negative vibes, that's not cool and personally, I would flip it and maybe ask yourself do those people deserve to be in your company and actually your friendship, because, if that's the case they are not good friends.

 

If your UK based - You could look to set up a PRIDE Youth Network in your college (see link below) It's basically an equality group that also focuses on creating LGBT+ Visibility and tackling discrimination around schools/colleges in order to educate people and work towards equality and respect for everyone. They are great actually. Any way just food for thought, if you're interested, take it to a tutor you are confident to talk to about it more and they can look into it further.

 

PYN: http://www.educateandcelebrate.org/pride-youth-network/

 

Also, I, so love that you're wearing your BI and rainbow attire, the LGTQI+ community needs to be visible in order to show that we exist, and more people should do it! ;-)

 

You just be you and I promise you will always be the best version of yourself!

[Saski]

was it hard for you to come out and achive your goals or was it easy?

Hey Adria!

 

Thanks for your question, it's a good one!

 

I realised that I was attracted to other women when I was around 13 yrs old, I actually had the biggest crush on my drama teacher! ;-) However, I don't think I told anyone that I liked girls until I was about 15/16 years old, and I remember always feeling so bad about it and really apologising for it a lot during those times. It was a VERY SLOW process, I told a few people over the years and then I didn't officially come out until I was 18/19 years old. What I believe helped me, was that over time the more people I told, the more confident it made me feel and I started to kinda own it and eventually it wasn't a worry to me anymore.

 

In terms of achieving my goals (and BTW I still have loads more to achieve!), I think what has helped is that over time, I stopped apologising for being a lesbian because that's just one aspect of my life and it doesn't define me as a person. It took the pressure off and allowed me to focus on other aspects of my life and what I wanted to do.

 

I do understand that it isn't easy 'coming out' and often there is a worry about what your friends and family might say but if that's the case, I always think it helps to make other like-minded friends from local LGBTQI+ Youth groups or forums as they are a great support and help us build our confidence in each other. (See links below to help)

 

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/lgbt-youth-safe-spaces/

 

For Schools - PRIDE Youth Network UK - http://www.educateandcelebrate.org/pride-youth-network/

 

 

Also one piece of advice, I would add, is in terms of reaching your goals, if you believe in them, don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it and always take every opportunity that comes your way (even if you're not confident about doing it at first) you can figure it out later, if it's gonna get you closer to your goal just go for it!

[Saski]

Heya, so my friend came out to me and I didn't expect it so I actually was shocked and I know I came across that way. Anyway we just kinda left it there and now it's a bit awkward, how do I bring it up to him so he knows I wasn't like shocked in a bad way?

Hey Zayn!

 

I'm pleased you asked and can I add that it's great to hear that your reaction genuinely was from the shock of the news and not a negative reaction.

 

The thing to remember is that 'coming out' isn't easy, it takes guts and it show's that your friend trusts you and values your friendship, which is really cool!

 

This can be easily fixed by having a chat with him about it and just explain that you didn't mean to react in the way you did, you support him but it was just a shock at first. The reality is that you'll both be getting used to it, so the more you talk about it the less of a deal it will be and I think your friend would appreciate that too!

[Saski]

Hi. For the longest time I was convinced I was into boys because where I am from that is what happens that's what's "normal". Then I realised I never really had crushes like everyone else my age was, or I wasn't fawning over the newest hottest celebrity so I convinced myself that being into people just wasn't my thing which was all fine and great. After I finally had this understanding it changed I liked a boy, a friend of a friend who I met then once or twice and then spent alot of time getting to know over texts and calls. I understood what everyone was talking about as far as attraction for once in my life. It didn't work out with him we're still friends but he didn't feel the same way so I went back to my "not liking anyone shut off thing". I've now begun to realise I'm falling for my best friend. I cant stop thinking about her and she makes me so happy, nad I care about her so much. She's lesbian so I know she'll understand but I know she doesn't like me like that. I don't want to put her through anything because I don't understand what I am as far as feelings for people or jow someone could have who they love be so defined buly this kind of thing.

Hey!

 

Gosh, this whole fancying other people thing can be a right pain sometimes eh! Even though I'm a lesbian now, I still appreciate a good looking man from time to time and there was a time when I labeled myself as Bisexual but it just kind of phased out naturally and now I know that overall woman are for me! ;-)

 

I totally get that it can be confusing, but this is actually quite regular for lots of people. I would say don't stress about labeling yourself, you'll know your sexual orientation when it feels right to you and that might be whilst in a relationship or just single doing your thing at any point! The fact that you do have a friend who is a lesbian is great and if you feel comfortable it would be good to talk to her about what you're feeling in regards to being attracted to other people. You don't necessarily have to tell her that you are attracted to her at this stage either (or at all if it doesn't feel right) but you can gauge that better after your conversation.

 

I'm including the link below with most people on here as I think it's also great to talk to other LGBTQI+ Youth on specific forums who can relate to similar things you are going through, plus they're all confidential. Trust me, it will all fall in to place eventually, and whatever happens, don't ever get caught up in what is 'normal' because there is no real 'normal' that's society's way of putting us in a box and making us feel like we should conform. Experiences are different for everyone, being yourself and happy is what's most important and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

 

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/lgbt-youth-safe-spaces/

 

I hope this helps!

 

Saski ;-)

[Saski]

hi, I'm a girl. I started questioning myself at 14 because I liked a girl who was my close friend back then. I know why I was attracted to her, I've been crushing on her for about 3 years and still counting . I don't know why I never felt any attraction towards boys? I mean, I love seeing their handsome faces but that's it, nothing pulls me to them.... Until this day, I'm still confused, and I know my parents won't accept me if I really turn out to be bi/gay. Any advice/thoughts? Thanks:)

Hey @ace204 !

 

Thanks for your question, you will be relieved to hear that this is a common and regular occurrence for a lot of people and it's totally ok if you are lesbian or Bi. I'll answer this in two parts.

 

Firstly, let's talk Sexual Orientation, I mentioned in an answer earlier that we are all on a spectrum when it comes to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity. For example, as far as sexual attraction goes it's out of our control. We don't choose who we fancy and believe me if I could there would be a long queue of woman out the door, I can tell you! ;-)

 

So if your feeling attracted to girls only, that's totally regular and fine. It's just about accepting it and getting used to your sexuality. Once you feel more confident in that, you will feel more content about who you are as a person and it won't feel like such a big deal. If you have any close friends, family members, teachers or youth workers (or obviously on here) that you can talk to about this too, that will help you to feel more confident around whether your Bi or Lesbian.

 

Secondly - Parents and Coming Out

I totally understand that this can be a stressful time, I have been there too!

 

For now, I would say try not to focus too much about what your parents would say because at this stage you're still working out who you are. I promise you will get to a point where you are confident in your sexual orientation and once that happens you will know when the right time to come out will be. To help you along this journey, maybe check out online to see if there are any local LGBTQI+ Youth Groups in your area or other online LGBTQI+ Youth forums so you can chat with other young people who are going through similar issues.

 

Also, you could ask a teacher that you feel comfortable with to look into setting up a PRIDE Youth Network in your school (link below) Its an equality group for all students to help raise LGBTQI+ awareness and support equality for everyone. This is also another way to meet likeminded friends in school. The more LGBTQI+ people or friends and allies you know the more you will feel comfortable in being yourself and that will help you to be more confident with your sexuality.

 

 

You never know, your parents might actually be very accepting, but either way, its good to have other forms of support around for you in place too as you are the most important person in this.

 

Here is the PYN link: http://www.educateandcelebrate.org/pride-youth-network/ and if your London based check out Mosaic Youth https://mosaicyouth.org.uk (otherwise have a google for groups in your area)

 

I hope this helps, remember #Alwaysbeyourself things will eventually get better ;-)

[Saski]

hi! i'm a teenager from Poland. i've just discovered this page and i'm really happy. but there are some thing that i don't know how to handle. for example, i smacked a girl and a boy and i felt really uncomfortable. i talked to my mum, and she said that it was normal reaction of my body and i'm not old enough for relationship which i agree. but i don't know my sexuality. in fact, my best friend tells me about boys and i don't really care. is that okay? i'm just trying to discover myself for 100% which isn't possible in my age. so, here's my question: is there anything i should do?

ps: sorry for my english

kisses, julia

Hey Julia!

 

Thanks for your question!

 

It's totally ok and regular to feel like that so don't worry!

 

Here's the thing, we all have different experiences when it comes to discovering our sexuality, and it isn't something that can be forced, it just happens naturally. So if for now, you don't feel attracted to anyone don't stress. It's not even about your age, it's about when that person comes into your life, you'll just know that you feel attracted to them (whatever gender they happen to be)

 

I'm not sure if any of us ever really discover ourselves 100% because we are constantly evolving and changing as life happens (which can be quite exciting) I would say just focus on being you and doing things that make you happy and you'll know when it feels right to you.

 

Now that you have discovered this page and forum, you know where we are if you ever want to chat more!

 

Take it easy and keep smiling, everything will fall into place eventually!

 

Saski

[freewill2.0]

Hi. I have recently begun questioning my sexuality. I have identified as bisexual for about 7 years, and it has comfortably been a part of who I am for that time. Over the last few days, however, I have begun wondering if I might be pansexual instead. I have/had crushes on/attractions to transgender, non-binary, and androgynous people, in the past and the present. It seems to me that that is the very definition of 'pansexual'. However, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my bisexual identity as I am very attached to it. I don't know if that is the only reason for my hesitance, or if there is more to it. I also understand that there is a lot of conflict between the two terms, and the communities within them. Some say they are the same thing, some that one is broader than the other.

 

I would very much appreciate any insight you can give on this.

 

Thank you,

Beth.

[Saski]

Hello Beth,

 

I feel bisexuality to pansexuality with more exposure to different genders is very natural. I used to identify as bisexual but now as pansexual because I find it a lot more inclusive. Remember you get to choose how you identify, these labels are just a guide. I think it's brilliant that you are continuing to explore and question your sexuality, but if you aren't ready to change your bisexual status then you don't have to.

 

_Remi

[Tater tots]

Hi Saski

I am a very confused on what I am.I am have talked to one of my gay friends for advice and she said that if you think about it too much it takes lo her to find out.Not thinking about it has made me think about it more and I wish I new.I was hoping you could tell me.

I dated two guys so far.

I have this huge crush on my Bff.

And I Think no matter the gender love is love.

I hope this helped.

-Tater Tots

[Monsoon]

Hey @Tater tots,

I noticed that you made two very similar posts, so I'm gonna respond to the main one. Hope that's okay