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How do I deal with the anxiety I feel regarding my sexuality?


Mica    

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I've known I'm not straight since forever and about 3 years ago I finally came to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. Whilst I'm perfectly comfortable with this and don't feel any shame regarding who I am, I'm still met with the overwhelming feeling of dread when I think about telling anyone or officially coming out. I deal with anxiety as it is and have been taking medication for a while to keep it in check, but lately whenever I even think about my sexuality I feel like grabbing all the pills I have and chugging every last one just to quiet the raging hurricane I feel in my stomach caused by all those butterflies wing beats that seem to come at all times, instead of just at that right moment. I know deep down that everyone I know would come to accept it but there's still that nagging feeling that even if they do things could change. The idea of my friends seeing me any different or being at the expense of anyone's joke or even the awkward silence that I know is bound to follow when I finally tell some of the more... conservative members of my family. I know that the general advice is to cut toxic people out of your life with the idea that they don't deserve you or something but these people are important to me and I don't want to have to just break things off with them because of something that I could've just kept quiet about. What's worse is that I value their opinions so much and would be distraught if they ever cut me out of their lives over this which only hightens my anxiety over the whole sitiuation.

when i get to thinking like this i cant help but remember all the times my father has made "jokes" about bisexual people being greedy and indesisive and no matter how hard i try i cannot convince him otherwise, or all the times i heard the more popular people make a joke about homosexuality which was detrimetal to me and my sanity and yet only helps to propel them further up the social ladder. im overcome with the anxiety caused by this whole sitiuation but i figured that if i could find a way to overcome that then it will make the rest of this easier. i wont be afraid to tell people, i wont be afraid of change and i wont be afraid of what others think of me. so i guess what im asking is if anyone has any tips on how to deal with this fear, or even just a few words of encouragement to spare it would make all the difference to me.

im new to this site and would usually use my account to give advice to others but truth be told im tired of being the one giving advice when i need it just as bad. im sorry if im being selfish by asking this of strangers but im at a loss and dont know what else to do. im not sure if i actually expect any replies but even just putting all my thoughts into words has helped clear my percpective a bit. so thank you to the creators for giving me the space to finally let my feelings out and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this far.

-Mica

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Hey there Mica,

 

Welcome to our community, thank you so much for posting here. `Don't worry about asking for advice here that's entirely what this space is here for.

 

I'm sorry the thought of coming out is making you feel so os anxious., but you know you don't 'have' to come out before you are ready to, do you think it would make you feel better to tell some people how you are feeling, do you have a best friend or someone that you really trust that you could tell. I always think witting out how you feel first is a good idea so you have a really good idea of what you want to say.

 

As for dealing with fear I think it's important to take lots of deep breathes and ask yourself really what's the worst that can happen? Tell yourself that there isn't. aversion of you in the future that hasn't come out and just go for it!

 

Most of the time our friends and our family just want us to be happy!

 

What would you want to say to people if they were in front of you right now Mica?

 

We are here for you every step of the way!

 

Remi

 

 

This Digital Mentor Account is no longer active.

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Hey @Mica

 

I can give you some words of encouragement and advice! but first, don't ever apologise for asking for help and advice, It's what we are all here for. You can post on this forum when ever you like; any worries, questions, no matter how weird or crazy you might think they are, if it's important to you, we're here to listen.

Now, when I realised I was bisexual, I was honestly terrified. I'd added a friend from a game on skype and we'd video called, and she was absolutely gorgeous. It terrified me, so after the call I logged out of skype and made another one, and I stopped playing that game for over a year. It's sad, but I was terrified. I didn't really think about for a long long time after that, years even. It was probably three or four years ago that I started to look into it and realised it was okay.

Coming out - you don't HAVE to come out to anyone. I'm 18 now, and I've only come out to six people I know. I only come out to people I trust 100%. There are other friends I could tell, but I know that they would see me different or pick on it, or joke about it, or do something I didn't like. I stayed friends with this person for a long time, even when they said that 'bisexual people are confused'. I didn't like that at all. But they were my friend. They weren't directly attacking me, and they didn't know I was bisexual, so I decided to keep them around me.

I've also experienced the feeling of not wanting to tell someone something because I fear they'll see my differently. It's slightly different, but I have tourettes and for years I wanted to tell my friend about it. So one day, I bit the bullet and did. They took it fine and said it doesn't change how they see me. Coming out about anything that means something to you is hard.

But I guess my advice is:

- If you trust someone and feel ready, come out to them.

- You don't have to come out to everyone, and there's no rush to do so,

- Not everyone will agree with bisexuality/LGBT stuff - but it's your decision whether to keep them around or not,

- There WILL be people you meet who'll not see you any different if you come out to them.

 

I hope this helps in some way. It's a bit long, but I hope it is helpful :)

 

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Hey there Mica,

 

Welcome to our community, thank you so much for posting here. `Don't worry about asking for advice here that's entirely what this space is here for.

 

I'm sorry the thought of coming out is making you feel so os anxious., but you know you don't 'have' to come out before you are ready to, do you think it would make you feel better to tell some people how you are feeling, do you have a best friend or someone that you really trust that you could tell. I always think witting out how you feel first is a good idea so you have a really good idea of what you want to say.

 

As for dealing with fear I think it's important to take lots of deep breathes and ask yourself really what's the worst that can happen? Tell yourself that there isn't. aversion of you in the future that hasn't come out and just go for it!

 

Most of the time our friends and our family just want us to be happy!

 

What would you want to say to people if they were in front of you right now Mica?

 

We are here for you every step of the way!

 

Remi

 

@remi

Thank you for taking the time to respond and read my post. It means a lot that I can have this space to talk about my feelings. This advice is really good and I have thought about the whole not actually coming out thing. I like the idea of not forcing myself to conform to labels. But I still don’t like the idea of it being as if I’m hiding something like I’m ashamed of it. I guess your right about family and friends just wanting to me to be happy but there is all that pessimism in my mind about not wanting the change it might bring. But I really appreciate this advice and it’s really nice to have a place to go with all this. With mentors like you and other members going through similar things.

Thank you again.

-Mica

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Hey @Mica

 

I can give you some words of encouragement and advice! but first, don't ever apologise for asking for help and advice, It's what we are all here for. You can post on this forum when ever you like; any worries, questions, no matter how weird or crazy you might think they are, if it's important to you, we're here to listen.

Now, when I realised I was bisexual, I was honestly terrified. I'd added a friend from a game on skype and we'd video called, and she was absolutely gorgeous. It terrified me, so after the call I logged out of skype and made another one, and I stopped playing that game for over a year. It's sad, but I was terrified. I didn't really think about for a long long time after that, years even. It was probably three or four years ago that I started to look into it and realised it was okay.

Coming out - you don't HAVE to come out to anyone. I'm 18 now, and I've only come out to six people I know. I only come out to people I trust 100%. There are other friends I could tell, but I know that they would see me different or pick on it, or joke about it, or do something I didn't like. I stayed friends with this person for a long time, even when they said that 'bisexual people are confused'. I didn't like that at all. But they were my friend. They weren't directly attacking me, and they didn't know I was bisexual, so I decided to keep them around me.

I've also experienced the feeling of not wanting to tell someone something because I fear they'll see my differently. It's slightly different, but I have tourettes and for years I wanted to tell my friend about it. So one day, I bit the bullet and did. They took it fine and said it doesn't change how they see me. Coming out about anything that means something to you is hard.

But I guess my advice is:

- If you trust someone and feel ready, come out to them.

- You don't have to come out to everyone, and there's no rush to do so,

- Not everyone will agree with bisexuality/LGBT stuff - but it's your decision whether to keep them around or not,

- There WILL be people you meet who'll not see you any different if you come out to them.

 

I hope this helps in some way. It's a bit long, but I hope it is helpful :)

@marv

Well to start off with thank you for taking the time to read my message and respond. It really means a lot to me and knowing that I have a space where I don’t have to feel guilty or like I’m hiding something helps a whole lot.

The advice you gave is really great and I can’t thank you enough. I really relate to a that of what you said. That friend you spoke about who just didn’t get bisexuality is exactly like how my father is. Deep down I know he wouldn’t judge but i also know it wouldn’t stop what he deems to be ‘harmless’ jokes that are actually just hurtful and if I tried to explain that it was mean he’s just tell me i was being emotional or a ‘snowflake’ as he calls it. My mother is a whole other area as well. I honestly can’t say for certain if she’d be okay with. I think she already has her suspicions along with my dad but she just seems disgusted by the whole thing. It’s not her fault though. It’s the way she was raised. But that just means I could never come out to my grandparents for fear of them disowning me. I remember one birthday when my grandad was round and saw two boys kissing on tv and exclaimed with absolutely no trepidation that he found it repulsive and disgusting and that it made him sick to his stomach. Being fairly invested in the LGBT+ community as I am I tried to defend them but he wouldn’t hear it so I ended up swearing and screaming at him to get out and after that we didn’t talk for almost a year. The other side of my family is another problem. They’re all extremely religious and live by that age old homophobic ideology that “man shall not lay with man� and get away with it because of its within the safe and bigoted compounds of their version of Christianity. I know I don’t really have to come out to anyone but I guess it would feel too much like I’m hiding something. Like my sexuality is something I ought to be ashamed of. I think that combined with how my family would react makes me angry and makes me wanna come out just to spite them all, cut my ties and run off into the sunset with a lover of whatever gender and never look back. But then I remember that I’d miss them all. That I’m still not quite 17 yet and that I need them. I think in my head I’m still just counting down the days till I move away somewhere where no one cares who your with and I don’t need to come out because it doesn’t matter. But that’s never actually gonna happen.

On the other part of your advice about confiding I’m someone you trust- I have actually done that before. With two people. One being my elder sister who I’ve always been close with and knew would be fine with the whole thing and the other being my best friend of 14 years when we were both a little too many drinks in to be thinking straight (pun not intended). To my surprise she actually came out to me as bi as well. We’re not together or anything but it was nice to know that I’m not alone in this. Yet still I find myself on these sites confiding in strangers because I always feel like if they judge me there’s less repercussions and no real harm done if you don’t like what I say. I can just delete the comment and my account and be done with it but in real life I’m still terrified that I’ll say something wrong and won’t be able to take it back.

I’m so sorry for ranting all this too you even though you probably don’t care and we’re just being courteous by responding. I’m sorry this was so long and that I’m so self centred. It just really helps me to get my thoughts straight in writing though and once I start I can never really stop.

Sorry again that this was probably so weird

-Mica

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@Mica Once again, no need to apologise for ranting! You're allowed to and we'll listen.

It's really good you have come out to your sister, and even better that your best friend is bisexual too! Maybe start having more conversation with them, just casual ones about how you feel and ask them about their experiences with their sexuality? That might help you out a little.

One of my closest friends is bisexual and had a girlfriend not long ago. She is in a similar situation to you: her family is homophobic, especially her dad, so she's naturally kept it a secret from them. Her plan is that when she moves away, she's going to tell her dad that's she likes girls, then leave.

It's funny because I hid my sexuality for years and wanted to come out. I was so hooked up on the idea of telling someone, eventhough I didn't have to. It's strange because we don't *need* labels and we don't *have* to tell anyone about it, but we want to anyway? It's odd right? I guess it is something to do with not wanting to keep it locked up inside, even if we know someone might not like it (?).

Something which has just sprung to mind, I could recommend watching some Youtube videos. Dan Howell has done a really good LGBT video (though I will say 'trigger warning' if you want to watch it. But it is very good if you want a relatable, informative story).

Speaking of older generations not liking this stuff, I was at my gran's the other week and she's like, wonderful, ya know? And she had a comedian show on and it was an LGBT addition. I was sitting eating, then I heard 'for godsake, we don't need any of this' and a bunch of 'yack' sounds. She promptly switched the channel over. I never thought that sort of reaction would come out of my own gran. But like you said, I suppose it's how older generations were raised. They didn't really encounter LGBT stuff as much as we do today. I'd say personally that it tends to be younger generations who are more accepting and open minded to it all, so telling young people you know and trust is probably a very good move. Only one family member in my family knows about my sexuality, and although I want them all to know, I guess they don't need to? (I hope I'm explaining this okay).

I'm not sure if this has helped anymore but I'm happy to carry on the dicussion if you'd like! No need to say sorry for ranting :)

 

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@Mica Once again, no need to apologise for ranting! You're allowed to and we'll listen.

It's really good you have come out to your sister, and even better that your best friend is bisexual too! Maybe start having more conversation with them, just casual ones about how you feel and ask them about their experiences with their sexuality? That might help you out a little.

One of my closest friends is bisexual and had a girlfriend not long ago. She is in a similar situation to you: her family is homophobic, especially her dad, so she's naturally kept it a secret from them. Her plan is that when she moves away, she's going to tell her dad that's she likes girls, then leave.

It's funny because I hid my sexuality for years and wanted to come out. I was so hooked up on the idea of telling someone, eventhough I didn't have to. It's strange because we don't *need* labels and we don't *have* to tell anyone about it, but we want to anyway? It's odd right? I guess it is something to do with not wanting to keep it locked up inside, even if we know someone might not like it (?).

Something which has just sprung to mind, I could recommend watching some Youtube videos. Dan Howell has done a really good LGBT video (though I will say 'trigger warning' if you want to watch it. But it is very good if you want a relatable, informative story).

Speaking of older generations not liking this stuff, I was at my gran's the other week and she's like, wonderful, ya know? And she had a comedian show on and it was an LGBT addition. I was sitting eating, then I heard 'for godsake, we don't need any of this' and a bunch of 'yack' sounds. She promptly switched the channel over. I never thought that sort of reaction would come out of my own gran. But like you said, I suppose it's how older generations were raised. They didn't really encounter LGBT stuff as much as we do today. I'd say personally that it tends to be younger generations who are more accepting and open minded to it all, so telling young people you know and trust is probably a very good move. Only one family member in my family knows about my sexuality, and although I want them all to know, I guess they don't need to? (I hope I'm explaining this okay).

I'm not sure if this has helped anymore but I'm happy to carry on the dicussion if you'd like! No need to say sorry for ranting :)

@Marv

I’d love to carry on this conversation with you. Talking about it and getting it all off my chest without the fear of someone judging me or having to watch as they distance themselves is really relieving some of the pressure and encouraging me that maybe coming out isn’t as scary as I think it is.

I understand what you mean by not *needing* to come out but wanting to. I think it’s a matter of being proud about who we are and wanting to show the world with out shame. I mean it’s called pride for a reason right? So maybe it’s a good thing that you want to come out, even if it you can’t I guess it’s the thought that counts.

My plan is pretty similar to your friends. I’d like to be somewhere stable so not to worry about being kicked out or even just staying in a home where I’m not welcome before I come out. I don’t think there would be any initial hate towards it but I think that it would be bought up every now and again as an insult or followed by some derogatory comments and I don’t want to be living in a house like that so maybe it’s better to wait until I’m away.

As for the YouTube videos I really like this advice. Pretty much any confidence regarding my sexuality is thanks to online influencers who make me feel like it’s ok or even something to be celebrated. I always feel better knowing that people who I look up to support me and can understand what I’m going through, even if it’s not targeted at me directly.

It really sucks that older generations don’t seem to get it or except it especially when it’s the people we are close to. I’m sorry to hear that your grandma might not accept you if she knew but like you said you don’t *need* to come out. You can still be proud of who you are without having to let everyone know.

Sorry again for coming to you with all my problems but I’d be happy to keep the conversation going if you are.

-Mica

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  • Ditch the Label Staff

@Mica Don't ever be sorry for sharing with us! It's exactly why we are here and your feelings are valid - you deserve to take the time to work out how you feel and what you might want to do.

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@Mica Don't ever be sorry for sharing with us! It's exactly why we are here and your feelings are valid - you deserve to take the time to work out how you feel and what you might want to do.

@Blondie

Thank you for your support. It really does mean a lot to me to know I have somewhere to go and talk things through and people who will listen.

-Mica

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I'd be happy to carry on the conversation if you'd like/need to. I think there's a direct messaging thing on here now? - I could be wrong though... If there is, you can drop me a message any time!

I suppose, yes, that's why it's called Pride. There's definitely a sense of pride and that feeling of finally understanding yourself that I guess we all want to share. It's a special thing, straight people don't have to come out. but we can/do. So I guess it's quite a special thing.

YouTube videos - yes, I've watched some and they do many you feel better and can be really informative. Since you're curious, like I said, I'd highly recommend Dan Howell's video 'Basically I'm Gay'. It's very good. It's very long, something like 45mins long, but it's his entire story; it's heart wrenching stuff, but really motivating and inspirational and could definitely help you.

 

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I'd be happy to carry on the conversation if you'd like/need to. I think there's a direct messaging thing on here now? - I could be wrong though... If there is, you can drop me a message any time!

I suppose, yes, that's why it's called Pride. There's definitely a sense of pride and that feeling of finally understanding yourself that I guess we all want to share. It's a special thing, straight people don't have to come out. but we can/do. So I guess it's quite a special thing.

YouTube videos - yes, I've watched some and they do many you feel better and can be really informative. Since you're curious, like I said, I'd highly recommend Dan Howell's video 'Basically I'm Gay'. It's very good. It's very long, something like 45mins long, but it's his entire story; it's heart wrenching stuff, but really motivating and inspirational and could definitely help you.

that's definitely one of the videos that have been on my to watch list for a while now but just not one I've ever gotten round to watching seeing as I've never really watched any Dan and Phil videos before but if you think it would help then I'm willing to give it a shot. ill try and figure out how the private messaging thing works then because this is definitely helping. but of course, if this seems too weird or if you get sick of hearing from me feel free to just ignore me or tell me to go away I wouldn't wanna be a burden to you.

-Mica

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@Mica Not weird at all. I'm always happy to help, love offering help and advice. I'll try and message you on direct messaging. And I'm glad this is helping!!

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@Mica Okay, I think I was wrong in thinking there was a direct messaging thing on here, but if you want you can add me on twitter, or just keep messaging on here if you'd like any more support :)

Twitter: @marvlotte

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@Mica Okay, I think I was wrong in thinking there was a direct messaging thing on here, but if you want you can add me on twitter, or just keep messaging on here if you'd like any more support :)

Twitter: @marvlotte

@Marv

I think direct messaging can be activated through the 'edit settings' part of your profile under 'account' because if you scroll down you can tick a box that says 'enable private messaging'. I'm not sure if this will work I just stumbled across it when I was going over my account settings.

but of course if it easier for you I can contact you through twitter- although I have to confess that it will be under a different account name. (a couple of years back I made a second email for stuff like this so I don't have to worry about posting things or going on sites like these that my family or friends could see and figure out before I was ready for them to) but if that's what you would prefer then I'm ok with it.

-Mica

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@Mica

 

My private messaging is on :) and i dont mind

@Marv

I still can't seem to get the direct messaging to work. sorry about that. is it still okay if I contact you through twitter? you can completely say no of course. sorry that I'm being such a burden.

-Mica

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@Mica No worries, I couldn't work it out either lol. And of course you can!! You're not a burden, don't worry. I use Twitter pretty regularly, so feel free to follow and DM me (@marvlotte) :)

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