I'm on the verge of giving up

[SenatorConfer]

I'm a 20-year-old white male college student and I'm worried that I'm going to go another semester without friends and without love. The only friends I currently have are back home and not going to the same college with me. I just feel really alone. I've got no confidence, very little self-esteem, I'm boring, I'm shy, I'm a mean person, etc.

 

Super unappealing, right?

 

Well, no matter how many times I tell myself to just come to terms with the fact that I'm destined to be alone, I just can't seem to do it. Maybe there's a miniscule section of my brain that still has hope. I can't seem to kill that part yet, so I don't know what to do.

 

No one knows me, yet I'm seen by around 100-200 students daily, since I've worked at an on-campus convenience store. What makes it worse is that the other workers (who aren't students) are hit on, flirted with, and friends with the students. Meanwhile, I can barely make people smile.

 

The female cashier (who I'm probably the closest with, despite us rarely talking outside of work) says that I'm a nice person who just needs confidence. I just don't know how to get that, though. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find success.

 

I'm also comparing myself to people in my circle. My older brother began dating his now-wife when he was 18. They're now 27. My closest friend back home has dated multiple girls since he was a teen. My family all seemed to find someone at around 18 (even if they weren't soulmates, it was still another human) and yet I've never even held hands with a girl. I can't do anything right.

 

So yeah, that's my situation. I have no friends on campus, no love life, no one that would care if I was gone (aside from family, but they don't count), and nothing that really matters. The biggest thing I have to strive for is succeeding in school. But that's not all I want to have. I want to have fun, experience love, a first kiss, that sort of think. I don't care about sex, but I wanted a companion. Someone I can talk to. Someone that genuinely enjoys being in my presence.

 

But at this point, have been unsuccessful for two years, I'm pretty much at the point where giving up on finding friends or love is the right thing to do. So what should I do?

 

(Also, sorry for rambling. I've been bottling this up and I really wasn't sure how to word it properly. I'm willing to clear up any confusion.)

 

((Also also, I go to Wright State University on the off chance that anyone here also goes there and would like to talk. Though I doubt anyone would want to talk to me))

[IHATEME1478]

Love is a hard thing to find and it takes time, I think you have stop searching for it, just let it come to you. Don't try so hard to find something that doesn't often show itself. It's like playing hide and seek with someone you can find once in one hundred games. You have to wait for it to present itself to you.

No worries about the ramble, I do it sometimes too, I think there is someone watching you from a distance admiring you but being to shy to tell you, to be honest most people are so dense to things like this and don't notice when other people try to flirt and stuff. I don't mean any offense by that, everyone is dense in some way. Sorry this sounds harsh... Just try be a bit more observant about somethings if you decide to not let it come to you.

[SenatorConfer]

IHATEME1478

 

I mean, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to just not let it bother me. But I see happy couples everywhere on campus. Holding hands, walking and smiling together, and just enjoying each other's company. That's what I want. I'm happy that other people are happy and would never dream of taking that away from them. No one deserves to feel as lonely (or lonelier) as I do.

 

I just wish there was something I could do to jump start it, ya know? Family always tells me that it takes time, but I didn't know I had to wait until I'm 30 to even get a chance. Dates are something I want to experience, I crave romance and intimacy. I want to make someone happy and them me.

 

This might be my selfishness talking. Also, I am indeed dense in a lot of aspects. However, love is not one of them. Obviously if someone liked me, I'd notice a difference between how that person treats me and how every other girl treats me. Maybe there's a reason why nothing has changed, but I don't know what it is.

[Blondie]

@SenatorConfer hey! I thin it's healthy to express how you feel and unpick it all. No ones life journey is the same - some yes, will find 'the one' when they're 18 and others may have lots of wonderful relationships but remain happily single or find love later in life. There is literally no set template.

 

I'd suggest taking the pressure off, step back and take a breath. Concentrate on developing friendships, join clubs, take up a sport or hobby to widen your social circle and meet some new people. I think that if we try too hard to find someone, even without realising people can pick up on this and most relationships start pretty casually and friendly.

 

We're always here!

 

 

 

 

[SenatorConfer]

@Blondie

 

I would like to make friends, but it seems like I can't do it. All day today, I've been thinking about how no one on campus would care if I were to die. I wouldn't even be checked on until the smell became too unbearable for my apartment roommates.

 

I just wish it was easy to make friends. I'm not in elementary school anymore. People come to college with their friends and/or significant others. I'm simply all alone. And it sucks. It really does. I just wish I had someone that wanted to be my friend/girlfriend, but I wouldn't want to force them to do something that would make them unhappy (and hanging out with me would certainly be the worst thing they could do).

[Remi]

Hello @SenatorConfer

 

Of course people would care. Please know you are not the only one feeling like this, so many of us find it hard to make new friends in a new place. Have you tried joining any clubs or societys, that's a great way to meet new people. In fact thats how I met all of my friends at university. There is also a great article we just posted about making friends t university - https://www.ditchthelabel.org/the-super-quick-guide-to-making-new-friends-at-uni/

 

Please know that you are an important person and that the world needs you, if you ever feel suicidal please reach out to someone, a friend, a relative, a student support mentor at uni or the Samaritans are always there to listen 24/7 there number is 116123.

[SenatorConfer]

@Remi That's nice and all, but that only works if you're an actual social person. I keep my room clean all the time, and I talk to my apartment roommates if I see them. I talked to my dorm roommates when I saw them, too, when I actually lived at the dorms last year and the year before that.

 

Now, though, it just feels so much worse. I work weekends, so I don't have time for anything. None of the clubs available interest me. I have no interest in joining a fraternity, so that's out. Overall, it just seems like there's no way for me to get anywhere in life.

 

And sure, parents would care if I died. I don't doubt that. That's probably the only thing keeping me alive right now. If they were all gone, however, I have no doubt in my mind that my death would mean absolutely nothing to every single person on campus. Just another random loser who died.

 

There's just no one that cares. And I'm feeling even more like a jerk because I'm complaining about such a stupid issue when people all around the world (and probably on campus, too) deal with things so much worse.

 

At this point, I'd settle for a romantic relationship filled with abuse and emotional manipulation. Even if I only left loved for a few seconds, it would be better than feeling like no one cares about me. That's all I feel right now. I'm a nobody that no one cares about. And, based on the first 20 years of my life, I'm sure that won't change at all.

[Remi]

Hey @SenatorConfer

 

I know things feel really shitty right now, and I understand that your feelings are valid and I don't want to tell you what your experience is. That's great that your parents care and I wonder if there are a few more people out there that do too.

We are all usually pretty wrapped up in our own lives, do you get on with the folks from work at all? Have you tried using a dating app. Please don't settle for an unhappy relationship when there is the possibility of a positive one.

 

Right now, your mindset is fixed but it could be worth entertaining the idea that something could happen to improve your situation. If I could wave a magic wand for you and you and change one thing, what would that it look like??

 

Remi

[SenatorConfer]

@Remi

 

My family members are the only people that care about me (even though it's only because I'm family). I have no one else that really cares. I have two friends back home that I barely saw over the summer. We've rarely talked since high school. They're cool, but I doubt they'd miss me much if I was gone.

 

And I get along great with my co-workers, though I'm still incredibly awkward. I was terribly shy when I first started, but I'm pretty much out of my shell around them. I consider them as probably the closest people I have in my general area, but that really isn't saying much.

 

I've tried Tinder to get dates, but I've got an ugly face. No one wants to date an ugly, boring guy. Whenever I match with someone, I'm ghosted. No one wants to talk. I tried all year in 2018, and I've tried even more this year, but nothing has changed (and never will).

 

As for an unhappy relationship, it's probably the only kind of relationship that I might be able to attain. There's no possibility that I can obtain a happy romantic relationship. I'm alone. I've always been that way. No one liked me like that in high school. And when I did tell someone who I developed a crush on that I liked them, each one of them stopped talking to me unless it was absolutely necessary.

 

Every. Single. One. I lost those girls as friends because I was so stupid to form a crush on them. To think that someone could actually think of me as boyfriend material. What a childish viewpoint. My life is just a series of failures. I'm the universe's punching bag in my eyes.

 

And my viewpoint is so egotistical and self-centered because I can only think about my issues and my problems. I'm ignoring the cancer and the rape and the abuse that so many others face. And here I am complaining that I don't have a girlfriend or friends on campus.

 

I know I obviously don't deserve a relationship just for existing. That's a stupid mindset to have. However, the idea that I'm sad because I don't have one is equally stupid. If I could change one thing, magically, it would be for me to have one friend at college. Just one is enough right now. That's the minimum. But, of course, no one wants to be friends with an ugly, shy, worthless, good-for-nothing, waste of oxygen like myself.

[Remi]

Hello @SenatorConfer

 

That's good news that you get on with folks from work, what do you do? And see it took you a little while to get to know the work friends and now you are coming out of your shell, that is possible with other groups too.

 

I'm sure it has nothing to do with your face, i'm a girl and I rarely ever look at looks, I look for someone who is kind and can make me laugh and I know most of my friends say the same thing. You will have shut downs and it's normal, modern dating is full of rejection, no matter who you are and what you look like because we aren't all compatible and that's okay. No one owes us their reciprocated feelings. Try not to take it personally.

 

You are not a waste of oxygen, you matter, you write really well and so full of expression i'm sure someone would love to know you. What about finding some Facebook groups for your college majors and messaging some people on your course and start to get to know them online first.

 

I know you are struggling to see the positive right now, but with a bit of luck this feeling will pass. What are you doing at the moment when you aren't at work, do you game, watch tb shows? I can recommend you some good UK shows to watch.

 

Remi

[SenatorConfer]

@Remi

 

Well on weekends, my supervisor is cool to talk about, since he is a gamer like me (all though he has a lot more knowledge, obviously). And on weekdays, the cashier is probably the one I talk with the most. She's a year older than me and we can joke around with each other. She knows that I'm still single and tries to give me advice, but none of it seems to work for me. Especially since she's more outgoing while I'm more timid. She also tells me that I'm probably the nicest person she knows, but I feel like I'm mean to everyone.

 

As for coming out my shell, I only talked to them because I was forced to in my job. This isn't like high school where you're around the same people every day for 6 hours. This is college where everyone has a different schedule, motivation, friends, etc. I'm not forced to be around them. I just go to classes and go about my day. Everyone else does the same thing. It's just that everyone else has friends with them whereas I'm alone.

 

For me, I've just always been told that I'm ugly. In a private poll that the girls in high school did (that us guys found out about), I was ranked nearly bottom in a list of most attractive guys. Also, on Reddit, when I posted an image on /r/amiugly, I was overwhelming told that I was below average in looks. I've just accepted it. I try to eat right. I try to work out, but nothing has fixed my perception.

 

As for reciprocated feelings, I am absolutely fine with rejection. I can accept it. What I hate, however, is that I lose that person as a friend. It has happened every single time. I develop feelings for a friend, act on those feelings, and then lose that person in my life entirely. Of course, since I have no friends, I can't lose any either (so I guess that's a win?)

 

I don't think I'm worth anything or have any redeemable qualities that could be of use in the world. My writing isn't very good. Also, I wouldn't want to be a bother and join a Facebook group of Computer Science majors (also, I rarely use Facebook, so that's another reason).

 

I sure hope this feeling will pass, though I have serious doubts. I don't really watch TV, but I watch YouTube and play games when I'm not working or doing homework.

[Blondie]

@SenatorConfer I think that the cashier has hit an important point - you don't see yourself as others do. Changing our mindset about how we feel about and value ourselves takes work but it's really important. Every day, tell yourself that you are a good person, a nice person - whatever wording that you want to feel like and even if you don't believe it, still say it. It's part of challenging our thought processes and negative thinking patterns.

 

Start to reframe your days so instead of thinking something (just an example) like "I didn't achieve xxx today so today is a write off" reframe it as "today I did xxx" - no matter how big or small that thing was. It could be that you got up, got showered and went to college. This way you can start to reframe your thinking to focus on positive things and build from there.

 

I can imagine how hard it was to read that about your looks but please know that we should never base our worth / attractiveness on other people's opinions of us. Going forward, try hard not to hand people an invitation to do so. You are, quite rightly, in control of your own life and when people are given these opportunities they are basing them on their own experiences and insecurities.

 

Have you ever tried the meet up app? It's an excellent way to meet new people with similar interests away from college.

[SenatorConfer]

@Blondie

 

I'm worried that if I do that, I'll become arrogant and develop an ego. I don't want that. I already hate myself enough as is. I want to believe I'm a good person, I really do. I just don't know if that's the truth.

 

For me, every time I make a mistake I hate myself even more. I said something stupid? Well, that's because I am stupid. I forgot to do something at work? Well, that's because I'm terrible at everything I do. I really don't know how to reframe my mindset, when self-hatred is ingrained in my personality.

 

As for not basing my worth on other people, how else am I supposed to know that I'm a decent human being? Someone would have to value me enough to do so. If people feel better about themselves by tearing me down, why would that be so bad? They at least gain something positive out of it. At least one person's perspective on life improves. And they aren't worthless like I am.

 

I've never heard of the Meet Up app. Even if I have, I don't have a car. I live in my college apartment, go to class, go to work, and that's it. Nothing exciting ever can happen to me.

[Blondie]

@SenatorConfer hey, I honestly know how hard it is but unless we actually challenge ourselves t make changes, nothing will ever change. That's fine if you're happy with how things are but if you're not then let's look at some new approaches.

 

I can't imagine for a minute that you would develop an ego as you have a tendency to self deprecate - working on your self-esteem will kinda level you up rather than take you over to be 'too much'.

 

So many aspects of our personalities are learned which means they are like habits which can be changed.

 

With allowing negative comments or inviting them - my feelings are that it is 'bad' as this validates and spreads that behaviour and so many people cannot cope with that. I guess my other thoughts on that would be - are their comments making you feel any better? If not, it's worth looking at it again. You deserve to be treated well and are not worthless. Do you want to make a change but just don't know how? It isn't always easy but it is possible.

 

You don't need a car for the meet up app - it narrows it down to your local area.

[SenatorConfer]

@Blondie I just hate myself. It's something I don't know if I can ever stop. I've never been told by a non-family member that I'm worth something. That I'm valued. That they care about me. It hurts knowing that if I kill myself, no one would care. I could go without talking for days and everything would be alright.

 

Hating myself doesn't make me feel better, but it seems like the only option to remind myself that I'm alive. I don't know how to change. I honestly feel that if someone else romantically loved me or wanted me as a friend, that would give me the idea that I'm cared about.

 

I probably sound so demanding. I hate sounding like that.

 

Also, I don't know what to do to hang out. Plus, I wouldn't want to be a bother or invade someone's already-established group. I'd ruin the dynamic by dirtying up the group with my presence.

[Blondie]

@SenatorConfer Hey, it doesn't sound demanding at all - we all like to feel and in a lot f case hear that we are cared about and valued. Some family dynamics are very different and are not as open and tactile. Is there anyone in your close family / friends that you share that you're feeling like you need some support and ask for reassurance. That's neither demanding or needy - it's simply asking for reassurance.

 

The meet up groups are intended to bring in and welcome people - they have been set up for that exact reason. For example I joined one for people who prefer to socialise in smaller groups and were a bit socially awkward. The people I've met all feel the same and I've made some really good friends and we all make an effort to welcome in anyone new who joins without adding any pressure.

 

While it's great if we have, for example, a supportive partner who makes us feel loved and valued, it's also really important to love and value ourselves anyway and that person ad value to our lives. You deserve to exist in this world feeling good about yourself, but to get there we do have to challenge ourselves and step forward to take what we need.

 

How do you feel about challenging yourself?

 

 

[SenatorConfer]

@Blondie There's no family or friends around me to talk to. My mom calls every week, but that really doesn't give me the physical, face-to-face interaction that I crave. I want human interaction, but I get so little of it that I practically don't exist.

 

As for groups, I really don't know of any around here. And for challenging myself, I mean I guess I'm fine with it. I still see myself in the mirror and hate what I see, or hear my voice in a recording and despise it.

 

I know the saying, "You need to love yourself before you will be loved" is probably true, but I'd rather know that someone else loves me (non-familially). Or at least likes me.

[Remi]

Hello @SenatorConfer

 

Why not research some local groups online then you may be able to meet some people with similar interests to you.

 

We all need that face to face interaction so I understand it must be hard without that.

 

Have you read some of our new articles, I think they may help: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/the-anxious-student-guide-to-uni/

 

Remi

[SenatorConfer]

@Remi I have read that article, but it doesn't really seem to help. I stay organized, eat a balanced diet (though I'm still fat, despite trying to work out), I'm pretty much uncomfortable on a daily basis, I've got no allies or friends on campus, and my mom calls me every week. I try to text my only two friends back home, but they've got their own lives too.

[Remi]

Hey @SenatorConfer

 

I understand you have no friends at uni now, but there is still plenty of time to try and make some new friends, there are lots of people that also feel like they don't have allies - you could form together.

 

We all do get a bit busier as we grow up and this is a transitional time for you where you will notice a change which is why you may feel in a bit of a fog right now.

 

Remi