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Am I Bisexual? Please help me!

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    Hello there!
    I’m a 19 year old girl, and have always identified as straight. I have never had an interest in girls, but lately I’ve been watching too many films and reading books that have something to do with bisexuality and lesbianism. I didn’t go looking for it though. This led me to the thought- “what if I’m bisexual?” although I’ve never had any bisexual experiences, but I’ve thought about it. It doesn’t seem to excite me. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. It’s just the thought of the possibility that I am maybe a bisexual and I don’t know yet, or that I may become bisexual soon. I just can’t stop these repetitive and obsessive thoughts of me being a bisexual although deep down I feel like I wouldn’t enjoy a woman’s company the way I would a man’s.
    I do find girls pretty, I think they’re beautiful but I don’t really want to do anything with them. I also don’t know how I’d feel if a girl asked me out. I’m so confused. I can’t stop thinking about this and it’s driving me crazy! I’ve never fantasised about women, I haven’t crushed on any, I haven’t done anything even remotely sexual with a woman. I find it a turn off to think of sex with a woman, and when I try to think of a relationship with one- I find it hard to imagine. These are some things I did to find out how I feel.
    Another important thing is that I go to an all girls college, and am surrounded by girls all the time. My best friend identifies as queer and I know many girls that are too. I also don’t have any male friends or male siblings. My dad is no more and my parents were separated.
    We are currently under a lockdown in my country, and I haven’t had anything to do at all. I’ve been sitting idle though I’ve been trying to do something, I don’t feel like it at all. Could I just be over thinking and over analysing everything as a result of that? How can it be that all this while I’ve seen bisexual things, bisexual/lesbian people and never really considered it, and all of a sudden I doubt if I’m one?
    It’s driving me insane. I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or do anything in peace. Help me!
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    Hey Anahita.

    Thanks for reaching out to us; this is something that we can deffo help you with . I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this recently. Lockdown is tricky for everyone and many people are finding themselves overanalysing things and really winding themselves up, so it's pretty standard for people at the moment. It’s completely normal for something like this to drive you insane which can then affect your eating and sleeping habits.

    I think that your situation is interesting. As you said, you haven't had this feeling until now since you've watched films/read books with bisexual themes. It really could be that you're just over-analysing at the moment. However, there would be no harm in exploring this a little as it might help you to feel less stressed. Could you join a dating app and chat with women specifically? This might give you more of an idea.

    At this point, I really think that you should try to take some of the pressure off yourself. It seems like you're really tormenting yourself and this isn't helping you at all. Could you do anything to relieve your stress? Here are some support guides you might find helpful for this:

    https://www.ditchthelabel.org/101-ul...reduce-stress/
    https://www.ditchthelabel.org/10-thi...ring-lockdown/
    https://www.ditchthelabel.org/how-to-meditate/

    https://www.ditchthelabel.org/10-min...-to-your-life/
    https://www.ditchthelabel.org/improve-mental-health/

    https://www.ditchthelabel.org/25-way...ice-self-care/

    Also, one last thing. When it comes to discovering our sexuality and understanding ourselves, this can take time. It's a process that we have to trust and be patient with. I imagine that you want all the answers now, but thinking in this way is probably just gonna stress you out even more. This will get better for you as time goes on, but you need just time . Let me know what you think about what I've said. Hope to hear from you soon!

    - Monsoon

    ​​​​​​​

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        Monsoon I’m so glad I’ve heard from you, and yes, everything you‘ve said made a lot of sense to me. I’ve had really bad days after I made this post and found myself thinking obsessively about my sexuality. My mind is convincing me that I’m bisexual when in reality I have never experienced that type of attraction. I do of course appreciate the beauty of women, and I generally like androgynous women but I had never thought of being with them until I started thinking too much about it. I tried imagining myself in scenarios with such women and I did not find it appealing. My mind, however, keeps telling me that I’m secretly bisexual and don’t know it yet or that I’m going to be bisexual soon. I’ve been reading into every same sex relationship I’ve ever had, and even if I was just drawn to some girls and had adoration towards them when I was a child, my mind says I crushed on them! I really only liked them because they looked a certain way, were kind and good friends! After puberty, I’ve never looked at another woman and thought of being with her. I feel terribly exhausted thinking about this without a break. I keep bouncing back and forth between being bisexual and not knowing it, and being bisexual in the future. I have googled so much information, taken many tests (although I know no test can predict my sexuality) only to use that later to obsessively think again! I am so tired. I wish this would just go away!

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            Hey Anahita

            Just thought i'd jump in and reply to you as it sounds like you are feeling really stressed. Did you try and of the techniques Monsoon gave you.

            I agree with him, try not to put pressure on yourself, our sexuality can often be fluid and evolve, and it can be over time and very subtle, you are never just going to wake up one day and be bisexual. When you know you will know and it won't feel stressful or hard. How do you think you would feel if you were biseuxal?

            I can sometimes have loops of obsessive thinking and what really helps me is to do a meditation on the Headspace app to kind of break the cycle or go for a long walk listening to really loud music. I hope that might help you.

            Remi

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                Remi Hello Remi! Thank you for responding swiftly! I needed it. It’s true that I have been really distressed by these thoughts. I tried meditating, and some of the other techniques for relaxing my mind but to no avail. In fact, it’s gotten worse now. I am convinced that I am bisexual now and that I’m going to fall in love with girls soon. If I had bisexual feelings towards someone, I think I’d at least know where this stems from and would be able to accept it (at least some day). I don’t understand how someone who has never been attracted to women, has never even had a fantasy of a woman, can suddenly be so convinced that she is bisexual. My mind has convinced me so well that I’m even starting to like women inside my head although I feel like when it really does happen, I most probably wouldn’t. I do understand that sexuality is fluid, and that it may change with time. I’m not resisting the idea of being with a woman, if it happens, it happens. But right now, I have no feelings towards women, not even celebs! I just think they’re attractive. I don’t picture a relationship with them or want to indulge in intimate activities with them. My mind is convincing that I do. I also feel like made a mistake of talking to my best friend who identifies as queer. Whatever she said further confused me. Because I never had any of those feelings, nor do I have them now. However, mind is slowly and surely convincing me that I like women, and I’m starting to get used to this internal debate where I look at everything through a giant magnifying glass. I’m even getting used to the idea that I like women (even though I don’t feel so) and that I’m going to be with one. It’s driving me nuts. I have given up trying to change my mind.

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