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So, I need advice


Mammu    

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Hi!

So, I've decided that after two years of me being in the closet from my mom, I should finally come out. My dad knows and so does my most trusted friend but nobody else doesn't. I really want to come out to everyone so I thought, that I should start with my mom. The problem is, and even though I've been thinking about this for a long time, I have a plan, which I don't know if it'll work. The plan is to send my mom an email saying something in the lines of: "Hey, mom! Watch this until the end, think it over and then let's have a talk." There is also a link to a YouTube video called "Coming out - the official song". I think it might work but I don't know. What should I do instead? Or should I go with my original plan?

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Hey Mammu,

 

It's great to hear from you again. How have you been? Speaking from my personal experience of coming out, staying in the closet was hard and took it's toll on my mental health. This is a big step to living your true, authentic self, so go you.

 

How did you tell your dad and closest friend? It could be that you tell your mom in the same way. I do think that the video is a nice idea as you could then talk about things afterwards as she might have questions. However, you might be nervous waiting for her to read the email as she might not do it straight away. When I came out, I told my mom first by text message as I was too nervous to do it face-to-face. This worked really well for me and then we just kind of went from there and its always been fine.

 

Have you seen our article on coming out? You might find it helpful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-11-tips-for-coming-out-as-lesbian-gay-or-bi/

 

I did notice that you said you 'should' come out. Can I just check, are you ready? Coming out is your choice and you should only do it when you feel ready. There's no rush - this is your journey and you get to call the shots :)

 

Anyway, let me know what you think of all of this. If you don't find it useful, we can deffo figure something else out.

 

Speak soon!

 

 

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So, I just sent her the message. I'm half nervous and half crying inside cause I don't know what she'll say. I sent her the vid in messenger (she doesn't check her phone messages so this should work). She probably won't see it until tomorrow so I guess I'm going to have a restless night... I'll give an update once she confronts me about it.

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Hey Mammu,

 

Good on you for sending the message. This is such a big step and you should be proud of yourself. I completely understand how you feel. When I sent the message to my mum, I was so scared and nervous. In my mind, I knew she would be fine, but there was always that 'What if?'. If she has a bad reaction, you might find this support guide helpful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-par...me-coming-out/

 

I hope it goes well for you. It's important to manage your stress and try and relax where possible. Have you seen our articles on self-care and stress relief? Here they are:

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/99-way...ring-lockdown/

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/25-ways-practice-self-care/

 

Hope to hear from you soon :)

 

-Monsoon

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So, an update. I just came out to my mom... she was surprisingly chill about. First, she was very surprised and then she said what I expected: "No way you are! There is no way you could know that!" She didn't disapprove though so nothing actually changed.

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Hey Mammu,

 

Ah, that's great that she was chill about it all. I bet you feel much better after doing it! How are you feeling? It can be a strange experience when you come out and people are fine with it. For me, I thought that people would be weird, so it took me some time to adjust which I didn't expect.

 

Also, did you take a look at the support guides I sent about looking after yourself? It would be good to hear what you think about the tips :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi! So I looked at the tips as well and I think that they are great! They also helped me make sense of some things and gave me a new perspective on some things. The only thing I'd like added would be tips on coming out to your classmates. I'm struggling with it (I'd like to be out to my classmates), so I'd like to read some advice on that. I am feeling great though. The only thing is that I think that my mom kind of doesn't maybe believe me...? Idk if it makes sense but I feel like she thinks that I am just confused and she also thinks that I don't know what I am doing. A good example of that happened at our friend's house. We were talking and my dad used the abbreviation "LGBT" and my mom said (this was after I came out btw): "She doesn't know what LGBT means Alan!" I, of course, knew what it meant and I said that to her but it made me feel like she doesn't believe that I know what I'm doing. Also, the first sentence that she told me when I came out was: "No, you are not a lesbian!" Idk if I've misunderstood her but it really bothers me.

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Hey Mammu,

 

Glad you found the tips helpful and thank you for the feedback on coming out to classmates :)

 

I think that parents not really believing their children at first can be quite common. This might come from young people sometimes changing their minds about their sexuality after coming out, purely because it can be quite a tricky and confusing time. I can see that this is frustrating for you which I totally get, but as time goes on, hopefully she will see that you aren't confused. Do you think it might be helpful to speak to her about this and let her know that you aren't confused?

 

-Monsoon

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