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I'm terrified - dysphoria?


Marv    

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I'm terrified. I really am. I don't know how to take this. I don't what to do about it. I'm not sure if I'm experiencing dysphoria or not.

 

About 4/5 years ago, my friend came out as transgender and for a little while after that, I started questioning myself, but after sometime it completely went away. Last year, my university friend came out as trans too. And guess what? I started questioning myself again.

 

I'm female and have regarded myself so forever. I've never wanted to be male. I believe I am bisexual, maybe pansexual, maybe lesbian (I realise they're quite different but my sexuality is something I'm still trying to work out).

 

I've suddenly started feeling uncomfortable about my breasts, which is weird because some years ago, I wanted bigger breasts. I've always been jealous of my sister's curves and butt, and now here I am actually questioning the existence of my breasts. I've liked being called a 'woman', in truth it makes me feel powerful and strong. I like the word.

 

I'm also worried because I have OCD and if anyone here has OCD, you'll know that it can convince of practically anything. So I really don't know if it's real. It gets weirder too. I also have Tourette's, and for a lot of us we feel an 'urge' feeling before we tic, and I feel this sensation in my breasts, so I really don't know what's going on.

 

I'm really confused and really terrified. I also seem to be very aware that I have a vagina too. But I wouldn't ever want to have a penis (I hope I'm okay using these words haha).

 

I'm so jumbled up and unsure and confused and terrified. I've told my trans friend and he, of course, is here to support me, but I don't know what to do about it.

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Hi Marv,

 

 

Thanks for opening up to us about this. It sounds like you’ve been through a hard time with it lately, but it’s good that you’re speaking out it. I can completely get why you feel confused and terrified, but just know that we are here for you throughout this.

 

I’m wondering, did your friend have an opinion on what you’re feeling at the moment? Also, with dysphoria, it’s typically defined as feeling like there’s a mismatch between your biological sex and gender identity. What do you think about that?

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Thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot.

 

My friend talked to me about it but it was mostly a lot of reassurance, we only spoke about it yesterday so we haven't talked about it that much really.

 

Well, when my second friend came out, she said she wants they/them pronouns and they've changed their name, and the they/them pronouns seemed quite appealing to me. I don't really know if and, if there is how much of a difference I see between my biological sex and gender. Maybe I'm just ini a state of desperate denial at the moment, but something doesn't feel right. It's just weird because it's come on very suddenly. Like, when my first friend came out, he said he'd felt dysphoria for years and years and had always seen himself as a male and not a female, and my other friend had felt it for a while too, whereas mines come on it suddenly short bursts so i'm totally confused.

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Thank you for your kind words, it really means a lot.

 

My friend talked to me about it but it was mostly a lot of reassurance, we only spoke about it yesterday so we haven't talked about it that much really.

 

Well, when my second friend came out, she said she wants they/them pronouns and they've changed their name, and the they/them pronouns seemed quite appealing to me. I don't really know if and, if there is how much of a difference I see between my biological sex and gender. Maybe I'm just ini a state of desperate denial at the moment, but something doesn't feel right. It's just weird because it's come on very suddenly. Like, when my first friend came out, he said he'd felt dysphoria for years and years and had always seen himself as a male and not a female, and my other friend had felt it for a while too, whereas mines come on it suddenly short bursts so i'm totally confused. i'm not sure if this totally answers your question but....

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Hey @Marv

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you have friends around you who can relate to what you might be going through; that's going to help you a lot. With gender dysphoria, some people always feel that way, and then it can come quite late to others and then seem to go away. Everyone is different in their experiences.

 

You make a good point about how you might be in denial at the moment. Can I ask, what made you say that? Do you think you might be denying it right now?

 

Also, I wonder, could it be a good idea to use the they/them pronouns for a while and see how it goes? By the way, are you in the UK? If so, I can link you to some charities that might be able to help more.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi @Monsoon

 

 

Yeah, since I made this post, it seems to be okay again. It's so confusing.

 

Well, it wouldn't be the first time. When I realised I liked girls, I was in denial for like 4 years, I didn't want to accept it. I don't know really. Like maybe I'm blocking out my true feelings. I'm not sure.

 

As for they/them pronouns, I've discussed this with a couple of friends. I feel like she/they works quite nicely. Sometimes I feel more feminine, sometimes I feel more they/them, sometimes I feel... just me? My friend is genderfluid and sometimes they feel like he/him, sometimes they/them, sometimes she/her and feels dysphoria sometimes too so it was helpful getting their experience.

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Hey @Marv

 

Hmm, it's interesting that you say about blocking feelings out and being in denial. What makes you say that?

 

I am glad that it does seem to be okay again, but also appreciate that this is confusing for you. With the pronouns and fluidity, I must say, I kind of get the sense that at this stage, you might be more fluid yourself. If that were to be true, how would you feel about that?

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Hi @Monsoon

 

I guess... I'm scared? I used to get scared at the idea of being trans, not for any particular reason, I just did. I think its the fear of like suddenly not being comfortable or something. It's hard to explain. And then I suppress it (the denial) and tell myself that if I ignore it, it'll go away or something. It's tough to explain.

 

As for fluidity, that sounds about right. Since we last messaged, I've chat to a couple of other people about it. A couple of people have told me it'd good to just go with the flow and see what happens, so I'm giving that a try, wearing what I like on the day, experimenting, exploring my identity. Like today, I felt more masculine, the other day more feminine and it was all eyeliner and golden glitter eyeshadow haha. So I suppose at the moment I am feeling quite fluid.

 

I'm not sure how well I've answered your questions. It's a difficult thing to describe...

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Hi @Marv

 

You've done a good job of explaining - thank you for that; it's given me the clarity I need to help you more. I get what you're saying about ignoring it so that it will go away. I wonder what might happen if you continue to do that? I'm not saying you are at the moment, but I'm just curious.

 

Also, I really like what you're saying about just going with the flow. How is that going for you?

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Hi, @Monsoon

 

Going with the flow seems to be helping. For example, when I used to choose what clothes I'd be wearing for the day, if an outfit looked too masculine, I'd change an aspect of it, put on a different tshirt or something or change the jeans. Now, I'm just wearing what I want, even if it does look more masculine or feminine. So I think that's helping, wearing what I like.

 

I think going with the flow helps too because I'm not forcing myself into any category or label at the moment. I realise for some it's nice to fall into a category, but at the moment I don't really think, personally, it's good to label myself as something. I'm experimenting though and I've told a few friends about my pronoun thoughts etc.

 

As for ignoring it, I've done that before and it's gone anyway. Or maybe it went away naturally. It's so confusing. I guess if I ignore it and forget about it, or try to, it could just pop up again in future. I dont even know haha.

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Hi Marv,

 

Yeah, although at the time, trying to ignore it can seem helpful, it often means that the problem ends up being pushed to the side and can affect you more and more, so I think it's really good that you're being so open about this.

 

I am glad to hear that going with the flow is working for you - I think it sounds like you're at a better place with it all right now, is that fair to say? It seems like you're taking each day as it comes which seems to be going well, so I'd carry on doing that. You can talk to us about anything at any time.

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Hi @Monsoon

 

I definitely think I'm in a better place with it now. After chatting with you and a few friends it's helped a lot. I'll carry on taking each day as it comes. If anything suddenly changes I'll come back. Thank you very much for your help :)

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